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And it only takes five minutes, according to a Harvard-trained psychologist!Burnout can sneak up on us without warning, according to a recent report. And the most common cause of burnout, of course, is our jobs. According to the World Health Organization, burnout is typically the result of "chronic workplace stress that has not been successfully managed."We’re told that while exhaustion, cynicism and reduced productivity are some of the most obvious signs of job burnout, there are other sneaky symptoms we might be missing, including procrastination, constant distraction and apathy, according to Wendy Suzuki, a neuroscientist at New York University.There's no foolproof solution for beating burnout, says Debbie Sorensen, a Harvard-trained clinical psychologist in Denver. But we can ward off burnout by being vigilant about the early signs and leaning on one simple habit: self-awareness. Some of us may already be practicing self-awareness — anytime we pay attention to our thoughts, feelings and behaviors, whether it's journaling or having an internal dialogue with ourselves counts, says Sorensen. But self-awareness is only effective in staving off burnout when it's a consistent habit. Sorensen offers a 3-step practice we can do the next time we start to feel overwhelmed with stress called "Pause, Notice, Choose" where we: Pause: When we notice that we're feeling highly stressed (or any other intense emotion), pause and create a little space for ourselves, whether it's going for a short walk outside or sitting in a quiet room alone for a few minutes. Notice: Check in with ourselves and notice our thoughts, emotions and bodily sensations. Ask ourselves: "Where is this feeling coming from, and why is it coming up now?" Choose: Consider our values, or what's most important to us in this situation and the person we want to be, and respond to the situation by acting as our best self would. Reset our emotions with a positive distraction, whether it's calling someone we love or listening to soothing music.The whole exercise "only takes five minutes," says Sorensen. But self-awareness is an ongoing process, and there is no one right way to do it, she adds. The important thing, she emphaizes, is to be intentional about it, and to be patient with ourselves. Research suggests that self-awareness can help us be more confident and creative, make sounder decisions and communicate more effectively. We can also prevent burnout by re-framing how we think about stress, Sorensen notes. She points to a study done by researchers at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, which found that high levels of stress can increase the risk of premature death by 43% — but only among those who believed stress was very harmful. Those who did not see stress as harmful were no more likely to die. "As one of my colleagues once told me, 'When you're stressed about stress, you're stressed,'" says Sorensen. "While extreme, chronic stress is an indicator that we need to make changes to our routine, it's helpful to remember that stress is a normal part of having a busy, full life, and not to panic about it right away."Point taken. Now to practice what is being preached!Courtesy CNBCVictoria Craig

I’m one of many that often have long days that keep us busy with what’s unfolding in front of us. But by the end of the day, we may feel anxious and stressed.As quoted in a recent article, once our days end, we have fewer distractions from our anxiety, said Erica Basso, a psychotherapist and owner of a group practice in California. We may be worrying more about the things that make us anxious simply because we have the time to do so. On top of that, there are some things we may be doing in the evening that can cause our racing thoughts to snowball — leading to anxiety keeping us awake and disturbing our sleep.The author asked therapists to share the most common nighttime habits that could worsen our anxiety. Here’s what they said to avoid in order to relax and rest:Doomscrolling.Doomscrolling — also known as doomsurfing (personally wasn’t familiar with this) — is when we spend excessive time seeking out negative content on social media or news outlets. Apparently we may feel like it will be helpful initially, but end up feeling anxious afterward.“Consuming triggering information is overwhelming for our minds as it is trying to wind down and can worsen anxiety and can interfere with the quality of your sleep,” said Alyssa Mancao, a therapist and founder of Alyssa Marie Wellness.We’re advised to try to put a hard stop to social media and headlines at least 30 minutes before bed, but ideally even before that. Instead, it’s recommended to read a book before hitting the sheets.Skipping relaxation techniques.We should also not underestimate the power of priming our brains for rest. According to Nekeshia Hammond, a psychologist, speaker and author, overlooking relaxation techniques can heighten anxiety during the evening and nighttime hours.Sometimes, the article points out, a simple meditation or deep breathing exercise is what we need to alleviate our anxious thoughts and pave the way for more tranquil sleep. If those aren’t our thing, the article suggests we try some gentle stretching, journaling or a warm shower. We should do whatever helps our bodies and minds relax — without our phones.Dwelling on past or future problems.We’re reminded that if we reflect on past issues or rehearse the next day in our head before bedtime, we’re not alone. However, this mental exercise can actually reinforce the cycle of anxiety by validating the threat, Basso said.She recommended to “remind yourself that there’s nothing realistically in your control that you could do about what you are worrying about” right before we go to sleep.The article notes that we should schedule a time to worry instead ― even going as far as blocking time on our calendars ― so we can move it out of our mind before we try to rest.“Trust that you will know how to tackle it when you’re in the moment,” she said. Worrying about past or future issues can prevent us from getting a good night's rest.Engaging in stressful discussions or an argument.It’s normal to have a conversation or post-day debrief at night to discuss how our day went. As an example, maybe we’re venting to our partner or it’s the only time we can call our parents. But if it’s going to spiral into something distressing, it may be best to save it for another time of day.“Talking to someone who focuses on unpleasant things or discussing something stressful can have a negative impact on your body. You may not even realize it, but your body and mind can start to absorb the negative feelings,” said Kristin Meekhof, co-author of “A Widow’s Guide to Healing.”Checking work emails and messages.This is a big one for me. When we check our work email before bedtime, we’re reengaging with our work responsibilities. This is breaching a work boundary that can be crucial to getting restorative sleep for those prone to anxiety, perfectionism and racing thoughts at bedtime, said Sage Grazer, psychotherapist specializing in anxiety.Instead, we’re told to draw a fine line with our work-life balance by logging off after work hours if possible. We should aim to define our boundaries so we can prioritize time for ourselves and achieve optimal well-being.In summary, ultimately if we find our anxiety is regularly interfering with our evening, it’s worth seeking out professional support. After all, we deserve to relax ― especially at the end of a long day.Courtesy Anika Nayak, Huffington Post    Victoria Craig

So here’s a recap of yet another article on how we can motivate ourselves. Unlike some other articles, this one seems to provide some relevant data and practical methods to implement.The article begins by stating that many people think that motivation is the key to changing habits — and that we either have it or we don’t. But motivation, according to the article, isn’t a psychological trait or personality characteristic. We’re told it’s actually something we can cultivate.“It’s about setting yourself up for success,” said behavioral scientist Katy Milkman, a professor at the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania and author of the book “How to Change: The Science of Getting from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be.” “Create an environment that’s conducive to making the choices you want to make. Think in advance about what could cause you to fail so you can think strategically about how you can overcome that obstacle.”The article goes on to point out that once we find motivation, it doesn’t become a constant. It can come and go in waves.“People tend to misjudge future levels of motivation — they don’t understand that high motivation today will drop down to low motivation or that other motivations will come in,” said B.J. Fogg, founder of the Behavior Design Lab at Stanford University and author of the book “Tiny Habits: The Small Changes That Change Everything.” “The other thing people get wrong is they think they’ll be able to sustain consistently high levels of motivation day after day. It’s just not how we’re wired.”Another surprise the article notes: Motivation often comes from contemplating changing behavior, rather than before. Research shows that pre-motivational factors — such as risk perception and awareness of one’s own behavior — are important for people to build motivation to increase physical activity.After we contemplate and mobilize ourselves to change our behavior, we often find that “it’s easier and more enjoyable to do than we thought it would be, and we find our rhythm,” said Wendy Grolnick, a professor of psychology at Clark University in Worcester, Mass., and co-author of the forthcoming book “Motivation Myth Busters: Science-Based Strategies to Boost Motivation in Yourself and Others.” “So instead of waiting for motivation to strike, it’s better to do something to spark it.”We’re reminded that with the right science-based strategies, we can make healthy changes, experts say. Pinpoint what we want to do and whyResearch suggests that self-determination theory — which refers to the quality, not the quantity, of motivation — matters most in changing behaviors. We should ask ourselves why we want to eat more healthfully, exercise more often, quit smoking or change other habits.People feel most motivated when they have autonomy (when they feel it’s their choice to make this change, rather than feeling pushed or coerced), when they feel competent in making the change and when they feel connected to other people, Grolnick said: “When you see the value, meaning or usefulness to you in making the change, you’re more likely to sustain motivation.” Talk ourselves into itYou can bolster your autonomy and competence with motivational interviewing, which helps you explore your personal reasons for making a habit change and what you’re willing to do to get there, said William R. Miller, a professor of psychology and psychiatry at the University of New Mexico and author of the book “On Second Thought: How Ambivalence Shapes Your Life.”We’re asked to consider the following questions: What are my three best reasons for doing this? How important is it to make this change? What steps have I taken to move in this direction? What am I willing to do to make this change? What am I going to do? “Hearing yourself say it out loud can make it sink in as a commitment,” Miller said. We should announce our plans and ask for support from family and friends. “The very act of asking for help is motivating because there’s some accountability in that,” Miller said. Map out starter stepsStart with simple, bite-sized actions, the article suggests. To get into a regular walking routine, we could start by going for a walk around our backyard or put on our walking shoes, Fogg said.“The starter step is kind of a mental jujitsu — it has a surprising impact for such a small move because the momentum it creates often propels you to the next steps with less friction,” Fogg said. Make the pursuit more pleasantIf we encounter self-control challenges, try a strategy called “temptation bundling,” Milkman said.Temptation bundling lets us engage in a guilty pleasure only while we are doing an activity we want to make a habit. To exercise more often, read a page-turner or watch a certain TV show only while we are using a stationary bike or elliptical machine. To cook healthy meals, we should treat ourselves to our favorite podcast or a beverage of choice while we are working in the kitchen. “It’s about making the path enjoyable,” Milkman said. Piggyback certain actionsIf we link a desired habit to something we already do (an anchor), we can create built-in prompts or reminders to engage in it, Fogg said. Some examples: After I get out of bed in the morning, I’ll do X number of push-ups or planks. When I see the stairs, I’ll take them instead of the elevator.By letting one action become the trigger for another, the new behavior becomes automatic, Grolnick said. Spend time with good companyWe’re advised to surround ourselves with people who have the habits we’re trying to cultivate. “By watching people around you, their good habits will become normal to you, and their influence will rub off on you effortlessly,” Milkman said. Once they share their secrets, “copy and paste” them into your life, Milkman said. Be patient“A lot of people think there’s some magic number of days to make a new behavior a habit,” Milkman said. But depending on the person and the activity, there are huge variations in that timetable.In a pair of studies, Milkman and her colleagues examined habit formation among people who aspired to go to the gym regularly and hospital workers striving for better hand hygiene. The researchers found that while it typically takes months for people to become regular gym-goers, better hand-washing in the hospital becomes automatic in a matter of weeks. Milkman said: “It takes a meaningful amount of time to change habits,” often longer than people think.Patience and practice are the key ideas I guess. May need to cultivate more of both – meaning first I have to be motivated!Courtesy Stacy Colina, Washington Post  Victoria Craig

New year, new (or renewed) resolutions. These tips made sense to me and inspired new goals for 2024. Go On A Digital Diet.According to the author, we have to face that we’re all a bit guilty of overindulging in the “digital buffet”. The article further notes that mindlessly scrolling through social media is the junk food of the digital world. We’re advised that It’s time for some digital dieting. Suggestions are to set some boundaries, maybe a ‘no phones at dinner’ rule, or a ‘no social media after 10 PM’ policy. The author says It’s like a detox for our brains and we’ll be surprised how refreshing it feels to not know every detail of some distant cousin’s vacation in real-time.And it’s not just about cutting down screen time, the article points out; it’s about making the time we do spend online count. We can unfollow those accounts that make us question our self-worth, and start following things that actually interest us. We’re told to remember that our feed should feed us, not drain us. After all, this is our digital life and we should curate it like an art gallery where only the best and most inspiring pieces make the cut.Master The Art Of One Thing At A Time.We’re all guilty of trying to cook dinner, watch a TV show, and text our friend at the same time. Generally this leads to disaster. The author states that multitasking is a myth. Our brains aren’t wired to handle our breakfast, LinkedIn profile, and existential crises all at once. We should focus on one thing – and actually finish it. This one-task wonder mindset isn’t just about efficiency, according to the article; it’s about quality. When we’re fully present with what we’re doing, whether it’s a work project or a conversation, we’re giving it the respect it deserves. We’re told we’ll produce better work, build stronger relationships, and probably avoid burning our dinner. Single-tasking isn’t just a skill, the author notes, it’s a lifestyle. Embrace it, and we’ll be able to watch our productivity and satisfaction soar.Want A Partner? Attract Love With The Power Of Our Minds.Sweetn is a new research-based startup that shows people how to call love into your life with the power of our minds. This is a completely new idea for me but the article offers a quiz and tools—which claim to transform our energy and our love life in a few weeks. Click here for the link.Remember, Life Plans Are Overrated.We’re reminded that planning every detail of our lives is like trying to use a GPS in a forest – mostly pointless and kind of frustrating. It’s okay, the author states, to not have our whole life mapped out. We should embrace the unpredictability. The article points out that sometimes the best adventures begin with a little phrase called, “I have no idea what I’m doing.” It’s the plot of every good story, and potentially ours too.Of course, having a direction isn’t a bad thing we’re told. So we can set goals, but keep them loose. We should be open to new experiences, changes in direction, and the occasional detour. After all, life isn’t about the destination; it’s about the journey. As long as we prioritize living a happy life, that’s what matters.Create Our Own Success Meter.We’re advised to define our own version of success. Whatever it is, we should celebrate it and realize we’re doing great.We shouldn’t forget, however, that success is personal and ever-evolving. What feels like a win today might be different tomorrow, and that’s okay. Life is a series of moments, and acknowledging our achievements, big or small, keeps us motivated and moving forward. So we can go ahead and give ourselves a pat on the back for all the amazing things we’re doing.Regularly Perform The ‘Is It Worth It?’ Check.Before diving into something new, we need to ask ourselves if it’s really worth our time. Will this help us grow, or will it just add to our collection of ‘why did I do that?’ memories? If it’s not going to bring us joy or at least a good story, it’s probably not worth it.And this isn’t just about big life decisions the article states. It applies to the small stuff too. Life is full of choices, and each one costs something. If we choose wisely, we’ll find our lives a lot less cluttered and a lot more fulfilling. After all, we’re the CFOs of our time so we should invest in things that matter.Learn To Love Doing Nothing.We’re also reminded that doing nothing is an underrated art form. It’s not about being lazy; it’s about recharging. In a world that glorifies being busy, doing nothing is a rebellious act. It’s saying, ‘Hey, I’m not going to be productive today, and that’s okay.’ Whether it’s lounging in pajamas all day or staring at the ceiling contemplating the meaning of something, these moments of stillness are essential. They give us the space to think, dream, and just be.It’s in these quiet moments that our minds can breathe and stretch, allowing creativity and insight to flow freely. So next time we feel guilty for doing nothing we’re asked to remember we might just be on the verge of our next great idea.Make Sure Our Friends Know They Matter.We need to surround ourselves with people who make us laugh, think, and feel motivated to be our best selves. These are the people who will cheer us on during our highs and bring us ice cream during our lows. If life’s a wild ride we want to have the right people in our car.The article says this isn’t about having a huge circle of friends. It’s about quality over quantity. A few good friends can make all the difference. In the end, it’s these relationships that add the most value to life.The take away to all of the above, at least for me, is to focus more on what’s really important and de-clutter my daily life of unnecessary people, places and things. Certainly a lot easier said than done – but possible. So that’s my aim for the new year: tidying up my mind and my physical body to incorporate the positive and significantly diminish the negative.Courtesy SINEAD CAFFERTY - Bolde      Victoria Craig

The premise of a recent article is that We can take care of our brains like we do the rest of our body in order to help us think logically and strengthen our emotional processing throughout the day. The article goes on to point out that daily habits keep our brains healthy, and as we approach the new year, it’s a great time to think about small ways to incorporate new tools into our routine.According to the article, research shows that taking breaks, practicing gratitude, and trying something new can support brain health. The article then provides some other ways to strengthen our brains and take care of ourselves:  Limit multitaskingWe’re told that when we multitask, we subconsciously tell our brains that “some things are not worth remembering,” Dr. Marc Milstein, author of the book The Age-Proof Brain: New Strategies to Improve Memory, Protect Immunity, and Fight Off Dementia, previously told Fortune. The seconds we spend constantly oscillating from task to task prevent certain pieces of information from going from our short-term to long-term memory. We’re advised to try the pomodoro method, where we strategically alternate between tasks and breaks. If we focus on a single task for 25 minutes, we should be more productive and retain more information. “People are surprised how much more they remember when they just slow down a bit in a world where we are forced to multitask and move to the next,” says Milstein.  La FullscreenFind moments of joy The author notes that Last year, he tried the UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center’s Big Joy Project, which consists of doing seven days of seven micro-acts of joy to reduce overwhelm and instill happiness. While bits of stress can be healthy, chronic stress can harm the brain, affecting thinking, memory, and mood. Small acts of joy can disrupt this stress cycle. He listened to a short meditation, completed an act of kindness, started a gratitude practice, and reached out to a friend. The article stresses that while small acts of joy aren't meant to fix underlying mental health conditions, they did take the author out of an elevated state of alert and allowed him to feel more grateful—which many experts tout as a way to improve mood and anxiety.  Go for a brisk walk We’re reminded that when we feel stressed or burned out, our brains can slide down a worry cycle that can feel debilitating and impossible to break. Researchers discovered that stressful events are associated with an increased risk for mental and physical illness. “More worry creates more discomfort, which leads to more avoidance. People get trapped in a cycle of trying to avoid uncertainty or discomfort, which feels good in the short term but makes anxiety worse,” Lynn Lyons, psychotherapist and author of The Anxiety Audit, previously told Fortune.  Quick physical activity breaks can help break the cycle and interrupt stressful thought patterns. So we should try going on a walk when we feel we’re spiraling. Dr. Thomas Frieden, former director of the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), says walking as a form of exercise can improve both physical and mental health, even calling it “the closest thing we have to a wonder drug.”  Pick up a hobbyTrying something news, the article says, can stimulate the brain by releasing dopamine, or the feel-good hormone. Research has shown a new hobby can also improve mental health, and in many instances, keep us connected to a community and give a feeling of belonging. Additionally, branching out beyond the normal routine can instill confidence in us and help us get out of a rut, by allowing our brain to make new connections and memories.The author says he tried rock climbing even though he is afraid of heights, and he found that he had no choice but to focus on getting to the next boulder, which helped him practice being present and mindful. We’re advised that overcoming new challenges through activities and staying mentally active at any age can strengthen the brain’s cognitive abilities and help lessen the risk of Alzheimer’s and dementia. Puzzling, for example, can help our memory and problem-solving skills. The article stresses that we don’t have to spend copious amounts of money on music lessons or commit to a multi-hour boxing class each week. We can start small, and even think about some of the activities we enjoyed when we were younger. And whether we can re-incorporate those into our week. Practice choice reduction The article states that It’s estimated that adults make roughly 35,000 decisions a day—and many are made subconsciously. Battling choices throughout the day takes brain power and can cause decision fatigue, ultimately depleting us. When faced with an abundance of choice, the article notes, our brains get overwhelmed and cannot make decisions as easily or efficiently. To alleviate the brain’s range of options, we’re asked to practice choice reduction. We should put out our clothes for work the night before along with our packed lunch, or whatever, and set a to-do list so we don’t need to feel overwhelmed about what to do when we’re in a rush. We should save brain energy for the choices that matter most.  Use self-affirmations, (they don't need to be the cheesy kind)Self-affirmations have scientific backing—they can improve confidence and self-esteem. We can start by assessing our values and thinking about ways we have affirmed those values, experts say. “This is about really upholding the values that you care about and to think about why they’re important to you,” Dr. David Creswell, a professor of neuroscience and psychology at Carnegie Mellon University and researcher in self-affirmations, previously told Fortune. For example, if maintaining strong connections with people fulfills us, we should reflect each day on a time we felt close to someone as a way to affirm that value. Creswell says that practicing value-based affirmations can help activate the brain’s reward system, which makes us feel pleasure and encourages us to continue to uphold the values that make us feel happy.  Venture to your favorite store My favorite hack is Retail therapy, or browsing in our favorite store, which the article says can actually improve our mood. It can be another way to break the stress cycle, and calm ourself down. “Whether you’re adding items to your shopping cart online or visiting your favorite boutique for a few hours, you do get a psychological and emotional boost. Even window shopping or online browsing can bring brain-fueled happiness. But again, you want to make sure it doesn’t get out of hand,” says Dr. Scott Bea, a clinical psychologist in an interview with Cleveland Clinic. It’s no surprise, of course, that convenience stores have aisles detected to self-care for the anxious shoppers who linger for a distraction—and maybe will leave with a few small items (in moderation, of course). In summary, it may not matter significantly what method we choose to take care of our brains, as long as the aim is to reduce stress and strengthen our overall mental health.Courtesy Fortune.com Victoria Craig

The premise of this recent online article, which I’m recapping almost verbatim, is providing tips that “emotionally intelligent” people use to have stronger, better relationships.The author starts out asking how we can stop looking like a jerk and make others feel valued instead? As a small business owner, the author says he’s dealt with his fair share of jerks over the years.He assumes we know what he’s talking about. Those people who always have to prove how smart they are, who always have to be right or have things their way.It can be tough dealing with that type of behavior day-in, day-out...except over time, he notes, he realized something pretty startling:Fairly often, however, he’s the one who's the jerk.Sometimes, he knows he’s the jerk and just can't help it. He suggests that maybe he didn't sleep well, or he’s hungry, or just in a bad mood. But other times, he’s been the jerk without even realizing it. And he’s betting we have been, too.So, how do we stop being the jerk? How can we avoid ruining our relationships with others, and become better collaborators and team players?The author says several years ago a friend shared some amazing advice. He had just attended a very intensive study program to improve his teaching and counseling skills, a type of "Master's program" for helping others. The author says he’s never forgotten what his friend shared, because the advice is firmly rooted in principles of emotional intelligence, the ability to understand and manage emotions.The article then provides four things we can do to avoid ruining our relationships with others and looking like a jerk.  Don't try to prove how smart you are.There's nothing wrong with being smart. Or making smart decisions. Or doing smart things.The problems start when we feel we have to prove we're smarter than everyone else. It makes us appear like we need to be the center of attention. And when our primary concern is showing how smart we are, we make others feel dumb, which makes them enjoy being around us much less.Instead of showing off, we should help others allow our work to speak for itself. And when it comes to solving problems, the article points out, we'll go a lot farther when we work with our team (or partner, or family) to find a solution rather than always trying to provide the answers ourselves. Don't try to prove how right you are.The article reminds us that we should never compromise our values, or support others when they're doing something that causes harm. But we also shouldn't let correcting others be our default.The article goes on to say that people are emotionally attached to their beliefs. If we expose every flaw in our partner's reasoning, they'll feel attacked. Their focus will no longer be on listening or reasonable discussion; rather, they will defend themselves or attack in return.So, even if we are right and others are wrong, we’re asked to remember that it's not our job to correct every wrong statement. If we do, people will start tuning us out. Don't say: "I already knew that."We're all guilty of saying this to others. But think about it: What good is actually accomplished by telling someone this?The article proposes that at best, it sends the message that we're a "know-it-all" and discourages them from continuing their point. At worst, it shuts down the other person and makes them feel dumb, discouraging them from sharing future valuable thoughts.Instead, we should just let the other person speak. Maybe even nod our head.Because even if we know what they say at the start, we probably don't know where they're going to end up. Don't say: "Why can't they be like me?"Sometimes we wish more people in the world were like us. It would just make things...easier.But guess what, the author suggests? It would make things a lot more boring, too.It can be challenging to work or live with others whose personalities differ so much from our own. But it's exactly those differences that cause us to grow.So, we’re encouraged to embrace the variety. And instead of forcing everyone into the same mold, we should see what we can learn from them. The article sums up by saying that we all play the jerk sometimes. But if we practice these emotionally intelligent strategies, the article assures that we'll be a better collaborator and team player--and we'll build stronger relationships in the process. Victoria Craig

I’m a sucker for self-help online articles, probably because I’m always seeking to find that “magic” written potion that will create a whole new better me! The article below isn’t it – but does remind us of some simple ways to improve our outlooks and lifestyle. And by the way, the draw for me was the number “8” – not 5 habits or 10 habits (commonly used numerals) but 8.See what you think.The article points out that is only takes a few weeks to form a habit. The trouble with this is that habits can be both good and bad. The author goes on to note that the 8 habits mentioned will help us improve our lives in a way that feels freeing, more successful, and ultimately in control of who we are. What more can we ask for the author suggests? What more indeed!  Stay Away From People Who Erode Our Quality of Life We’re advised to take a close look at those around us. If we are spending too much time with people that are not helping us get to where we want to be, it’s time to move on. We shouldn’t keep friends around simply because we’ve known them a long time.  Don’t Bring The Phone Into The BedroomWhere are we away from our phones for more than just a few minutes? For most people, the answer is never. So we’re asked to try taking our phone, tablet, and computer out of our bedroom. It’s proposed that this be the safe spot, like the old days when we were out of contact, and we were able to just be, without being in the middle of all the news, talk, and more at all times. The article assures that if we leave your phone outside our bedroom we will see how it helps us sleep and live and ultimately reach our goals faster.  Learn How To Appreciate The Moment Did we have a good day? Did we accomplish something that is worth celebrating? We’re reminded to stay in those moments just a little longer. We are all busy and thinking about the next thing or the next day. However, those of us that learn to enjoy and live life are able to appreciate the here and now. The article also stresses that it takes time to do this. The author goes on to say that sometimes being more mindful and even focusing on meditation can help us bring our brain to the exact moment we’re in. We’re encouraged to practice this concept and then bring it into our everyday life.  Get Started, Even Though We Might Fail Failing is scary, the author states, but what is scarier is never to try. If we have a goal, passion, or desire to start something, we shouldn’t let the fear of failure bring us down. The article says most successful people in the world failed numerous times. However, they knew to get back up.  Make Organization A Priority The more organized we are, according to the author, the easier it is to manage our time and become more efficient. Now, we don’t need to be obsessive about this, but we do need to get ourselves organized from a time perspective and even a cleanliness perspective. Living in an organized, clean, and tidy space, we’re told, allows us to free our minds and drastically improve our lives.  Remember Who We Are It’s easy to get off track and forget who we are is another key point in the article. We’re asked to remember when we won that awards, entered something in a contest, etc. We may have forgotten all about these experiences,  that there are pieces of ourselves that we have probably lost along the way. So we should make it a habit to remember who we are and then do something to bring our minds back to those times. This experience, the author stresses, can be incredibly powerful. Say NoWe’re asked if we feel pressure to say yes to things we don’t want to do? This happens to all of us, but the power to say no is freeing and smart. We’re advised to learn to evaluate experiences, opportunities, and projects and determine if they are worth our time. If they are not, then it’s time to say no. Saying no, by the way, is not closing a door according to the author; it could be opening a different one.  Keep The Goals Realistic Finally, we should stop setting goals that are not possible to achieve. Realistic goals allow us to experience some success along the way. So if we want to lose 40 pounds, for example, we should start with 10.Realistic goals will help us feel like we are on your way to success. Final Thoughts The article sums up by noting that not all of these habits need to be created today. However, if we can learn to pick one of these up at a time, we’re told we can make some major progress in improving our lives. Habits can be hard to stick with at first, the article further states, but if we do it for a few weeks and stay diligent, our new habits will be formed, and we will be on our way to a better life. OK, I’m a little skeptical but all of the above sound doable so I may just give these habits a whirl!Courtesy Michael Morris    Victoria Craig

The first sentence of this intriguing titled article really captured my attention. It suggested that we imagine our relationships as a dance, with each partner stepping, turning, and spinning in sync to a shared rhythm. The article points out that dance, in many ways, mirrors the rhythm of our relationships. The pattern of our dance is a reflection of our attachment style, a critical aspect of how we connect and interact with others.We’re told that attachment style, a theory developed by John Bowlby, a British psychiatrist, in the mid-20th century, is a psychological model explaining how we relate to others, especially in terms of our relationships and emotional bonds. It’s a dynamic, according to the article, that begins in our earliest years, often shaped by how we interacted with our primary caregivers.The article notes that there are four main types of attachment styles: Secure, Anxious-Preoccupied, Dismissive-Avoidant, and Fearful-Avoidant. Understanding these styles, it’s explained, can be a tool for self-discovery and growth, and can illuminate the path to healthier connections.The Four Attachment StylesThe article clarifies that each of these styles results from childhood experiences with caregivers, impacting the development of our relational blueprint.Secure Attachment: If our caregivers were consistently responsive and supportive, we likely developed a secure attachment style. We are comfortable with intimacy and independence, finding it easy to connect with others while maintaining our personal autonomy.  Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment: If our caregivers were inconsistently available or unpredictable, we might have an anxious-preoccupied attachment style. This could manifest as a fear of abandonment, often leading to clingy or needy behavior in relationships.Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment: Those who had emotionally unavailable or dismissive caregivers often develop a dismissive-avoidant attachment style. These individuals tend to value independence over relationships and may seem emotionally distant.Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: The fearful-avoidant attachment style, the most complex, often results from harmful or traumatic childhood experiences. These individuals experience conflicting desires for intimacy and the fear of getting too close.So how do we identify our own attachment style? The article explores what the author says are the most effective methods:Self-Reflection: The first step is to reflect on our past relationships and patterns. Identify any recurring themes, emotions, or reactions that we experience consistently in our interactions with others.Attachment Style Quizzes: There are several online quizzes that can offer insights into our attachment style. These quizzes ask a series of questions about our feelings and behaviors in relationships to identify our most likely attachment pattern.Therapeutic Guidance: A mental health professional can provide expert guidance to help us identify our attachment style. Through a series of sessions, a therapist can dig deeper into our past experiences and current behaviors, offering a comprehensive understanding.Feedback from Close Ones: Those who know us well can often provide valuable insights. We should consider asking close friends or partners about their observations regarding our relationship behaviors and responses.The article then reminds us that identifying our attachment style is only the first step. The next one, more important, involves taking action based on our findings. Recommendations are offered on how you can work with each attachment style:Secure Attachment: If we have a secure attachment style, we should continue nurturing our relationships while maintaining our personal autonomy. It's also beneficial to support others who are working on their attachment styles.Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment:If our attachment style is anxious-preoccupied, we should consider seeking therapeutic support. Professional guidance can help us manage fears of abandonment and develop healthier relationship patterns.Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment: For those with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, therapy can be helpful too. It can aid in understanding the value of intimacy, developing emotional awareness, and enhancing communication skills.Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: Fearful-avoidant individuals may find it beneficial to work with a therapist experienced in trauma. This support can help manage conflicting emotions, develop coping mechanisms, and build healthier relationships.The article sums us by telling us the journey of understanding and acting on our attachment style is a personal one, and that it's important to take it at our own pace. The article’s tone is encouraging and states that with knowledge and action, we can foster better relationships, enhance our wellbeing, and cultivate personal growth.Sounds good to me! Now we have yet another task to add to our journey of {further} self-discovery. Victoria Craig

I’m sure we’ve all experienced times when we’re really, really mad at someone. Like, beyond angry. And the way we feel is that we’re totally justified, given what that person did. We’re sure everyone would agree that we have every right to be livid! Then someone close to us — a person who is worried about our blood pressure or maybe is just sick of hearing the story again and again — says, “I really think you should try and let your anger go.”A recent article notes that if we’re holding a grudge, here are just a few of the things that might be whizzing through our brains:· Easy for someone else to say — it didn’t happen to them. · I can’t “let it go” unless the person sincerely apologizes.· If I drop it, it’s like saying what they did is okay when it’s not.· Letting go means forgiving them and they don’t deserve my forgiveness.· I wish I could move on, but what that person did is so bad I truly don’t think I can.The article then shares what is meant to be helpful info: Moving on from a grudge doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be angry, and we don’t have to forgive the person or even talk to them. It’s not even really about the person who did us harm — it’s about all the benefits to our mental and physical health we’ll experience if we manage to dump our grudge.Easy? No, the article agrees, but doable.The meaning of holding a grudgeAccording to the article, while the dictionary definition of a grudge is simply being mad at someone for something they did, “holding a grudge” refers to “a qualitatively different kind of anger than healthy anger,” says Robert Enright, PH.D., a professor of educational psychology at the University of Wisconsin, Madison, who has been studying forgiveness for 40 years. “Holding a grudge is the kind of anger that takes up residence in the human heart and doesn’t know how to leave. It’s the kind of anger that can turn on us,” he says, potentially causing us more harm than the initial offense.Why we hold grudges At first it can feel kind of good, says Marjorie Ingall, co-author of Sorry, Sorry, Sorry: The Case for Good Apologies. “It can feel like a warm flame of self-righteousness inside of you. You can enjoy it like a little campfire that you blow on and nurture by putting little twigs in it,” she says, maybe replaying the unfairness in your mind and dwelling on how outrageous it continues to feel. It can also make you feel superior, as in “I may not be perfect, but at least I would never cheat!” And there’s nothing wrong with enjoying that for a time, if it lets you heal and helps you define your own values.But the fire can flare out of control, and it can start to burn us, in all the ways discussed above. “A grudge can be a distraction from things that you could be doing instead of stoking your grudge that actually benefit you, or it could stand in the way of your doing those things,” Ingalls says.Another big reason we hold onto anger is because whatever took place was so awful that we were traumatized by it. We may not think about lingering feelings of rage over a major traumatic betrayal, such as abuse or cruelty, as "holding a grudge," but it can be viewed that way.Expecting to be able to let something like that go, even after decades, is not always possible because of PTSD or other lingering effects. “It is very important that the client has time to process the anger, get to know the effects of the injustice, and tosettle down emotionally,” says Enright. “Once a person has had time to process the trauma and the effects of that trauma (has new insights into what has happened to the client as a result of the trauma), and if the client is ready, it only is then that we start with the work of forgiveness.”The article reminds us that it just doesn’t feel good to be mad all the time, which is why most of the time we try not to. “Grudges are energizers for the negative,” says Enright. It can also keep us stuck in the past, ruminating on past slights, which can paralyze us or make us overly sensitive to misinterpreting what people say or do, or keep us from problem solving to improve our lives, says Enright.Holding grudges can also have measurable negative effects on our minds and our bodies. Grudges are about anger that won’t quit, called “chronic anger” in medical research, and chronic anger, is not good for us. One important study found that being anger-prone is an independent risk factor for heart disease, and Harvard researchers found that people who were frequently explosively angry were about five times more likely to have a heart attack in the hours after an outburst (the risk of stroke more than tripled).Periods of anger or anxiety can put us in fight-or-flight mode, leading to a cascade of effects that include higher blood pressure, narrowing of blood vessels, and increased clotting. Fight-or-flight also tightens our muscles leading to things like chronic back pain and tension headaches. “Chronic anger affects the immune system,” says Enright. A bunch of psychological conditions — anxiety and depression and eating disorders — are thought to be tied to unexpressed anger as well.How to let go1. Ask for an apology. “One reason you may not be able to let go of the anger may be because you haven’t gotten a good apology,” says Ingall, whose book is about recognizing and crafting apologies that truly heal. The person may truly not realize how damaging their actions were, or wasn’t able to apologize right away for whatever reason.“Just asking for it is a brave act,” says Ingall “If the person refuses to see their own wrongdoing and can’t deliver it, we can feel good knowing we did everything we could and therefore the anger might not burn so hot.” We may come to realize that the person we had a grudge against is just incapable or simply too broken themselves, which can lessen our anger toward them."2. Ask for a better apology. “Some people’s intentions aren’t bad but they are not able to give you the apology you need on the first try,” she says. “If it’s a relationship of value or one you can’t get rid of, you can say, ‘I know you’ve apologized to me for X, but here’s why I’m still upset and I need you to apologize for Y.’” If it’s an old grudge, it’s still okay to ask for an apology, as in, “I know it’s been a long time, but I am still distressed about X.” Ingall suggests workshopping with a friend how you’ll bring it up.3. Imagine the person apologizing to us. This is a good thing to try when they've died or is otherwise not able to apologize. If you can give yourself the apology you deserve or might someday have gotten had they not passed, it can help you mourn the relationship and perhaps let it go.4. Consider the power we’re giving the other person with your grudge. By hanging on to our anger, we’re allowing the person to keep harming us, says Ingall. Remembering this can help us put ourself first. "Just building moral walls around it, you can think, Why am I wasting my energy being angry when I am the superior human here?” says Ingall. “We think of letting go of a grudge as letting go of power, but that’s not really so,” says Ingall. It's giving the power back to yourself."5. Look behind our anger. Enright’s model for how to forgive has four distinct parts, the first of which is really exploring how we were affected emotionally and practically by what the person did. Talking it through with someone can unearth what's behind our rage. “Much of traditional psychotherapy focuses on insight, bringing that which has been subconscious or unconscious into consciousness,” he says. Speaking to a therapist or a friend we trust, or even writing about what happened can help us understand our other emotions, and possibly lessen the anger. If we intend to move on to forgiving the person, this is a necessary first step.6. Re-humanize the person. When we hold a grudge against someone (even if we feel 100% justified in our anger) it is easy to make them into a cartoon villain, and we forget that they, too, are human, too. "Widen the story of who that person is,” says Enright. “They are not just the bad thing they did.” Are they, like us, a person who may have been hurt by others? Do we share other elements of being a person, like needing to eat and sleep? This is not to excuse their behavior but to explain it, and perhaps recognizing some of the things you share can soften your heart enough to “chip away at the grudge,” says Enright.7. Forgive if we can and want to. The previous two steps will help you move toward forgiveness. The fact is, says Enright, forgiveness takes time and practice, which he likens to working out at the “forgiveness gym” to build those muscles. “Healing is rigorous,” he says. Learning to stand in the pain of what happened and find mercy for someone who mistreated you can be “very transformative,” he says. What does holding grudges say about a person?As bad for us as holding grudges are, it’s an entirely normal human thing to do, says Ingall. “The question is, in holding onto a grudge, are you doing something that’s harmful to you?” she posits. “You can feel angry with someone without holding a grudge.”In fact, we’re told that being angry when someone does us wrong is a good sign. “We are moral creatures with a sense of justice, and when we have been treated unfairly by others, we feel angry because we know we are persons of worth who should be treated with respect,” says Enright. “It's important to us to live in harmony with each other, and when that breaks down, we get angry.”Anger is the emotion that lets us know that something isn’t working for us so we can make a change, and the fight-or-flight physical response is designed to fight injustice or allow us to solve the problem, he says.It’s also noted that when the anger hunkers down for a long stay and we're preoccupied with the person who caused it for too long, that constant fight-or-flight anger response can drain us, physically and emotionally. “When you live with it long term, that’s when the damage can be done,” says Enright. The effects of the grudge are fatigue, anxiety and depression and those things can inhibit us from solving the problem.Do I have to forgive the person to be free of a grudge? Absolutely not the article says. Forgiveness is a great thing (Enright’s research has shown that finding a path toward forgiveness has helped all kinds of people, including survivors of abuse, substance abusers and prison inmates) but it is not something anyone is obligated to do, and it is not possible for everyone.In short, it's our choice to forgive or decide if we’re able to move in that direction — we’re reminded that we can’t simply forgive because someone else tells us it’s time, that the person who harmed us feels like they deserve it, or for the sake of family harmony.“The choice to forgive is that person’s and that person’s alone,” says Enright. “Don’t give in to the pressure of others who say you’re a bad person if you don’t. I am a firm believer in letting people walk their own path.”While Enright’s research has found that forgiveness yields remarkable results, “There are a million reasons you ‘should’ forgive, but that doesn’t mean you can or want to, Ingall agrees.Forgive and {not} forget? Live and let live? I guess we have choices …Courtesy Stephanie Dolgoff , Good HousekeepingVictoria Craig

I can’t resist articles, reports, or any data presented in text format that relates to psychology or some kind of psychological process or characteristic. So the article with the above title definitely caught my eye and made me stop and read.According to the article, what determines someone’s level of life satisfaction, or how meaningful and rich they find their life to be, is a patchwork of components. But new research shows that a key element to being more satisfied with our social bonds, career, and life overall lies within our personality. The article notes that people who are more emotionally stable, or have a low level of neuroticism, are more likely to have a higher level of life satisfaction than those who don’t, according to the American Psychological Association. What is emotional stability?We’re told the idea behind the Big Five personality model, created by psychologists Gerard Saucier and Lewis R. Goldberg, is that each person’s personality is a mix of various levels of five key facets: extraversion, emotional stability/neuroticism, agreeableness, conscientiousness, and openness to experience.Within each trait, people who take the test can score high or low; for example, someone who scores high in the extraversion category is very outgoing and probably finds social interactions easy and nourishing, while someone with a low score is much more reserved. Someone who scores high on the conscientiousness portion is quite thoughtful and attentive, while someone with a low score in that category is much less so.The article explains that emotional stability/neuroticism, the trait that was found to be most correlated with life satisfaction, refers to “the frequency and intensity of negative emotions like fear, anger, sadness, and anxiety,” says Manon van Scheppingen, PhD, an assistant professor at Tilburg University and co-researcher on the study. So the more emotionally stable w are, the better able we are to handle these emotions, while someone who is less stable is less able to cope with them.We’re reminded, however, that the word stability may create some misunderstanding. Dr. van Scheppingen says being more emotionally stable doesn’t mean we experience more positive emotions,  rather that we experience less negative emotions and are better able to cope with them when they do arise.The article also stresses that it’s important to note that all of these personality traits exist on a spectrum. “If you think about this like a continuum, most people are in the middle where they are not completely neurotic and not completely emotionally stable,” Dr. van Scheppingen says. The connection between emotional stability and life satisfactionIn the study, which was recently published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, researchers assessed 9,100 Dutch people ranging in age from 16 to 95 years-old over 11 years to see which of the Big Five personality traits corresponded most to higher levels of life satisfaction across their lifespan, regardless of changes in their social roles and responsibilities. The participants answered questionnaires that evaluated how satisfied they were with their social relationships; they also had the 5,928 employed participants answer questions about how satisfied they were at work.We’re informed that other previous studies have already shown that people who score high on certain Big Five personality traits—emotional stability, extraversion, conscientiousness, and agreeableness—have higher levels of life satisfaction at different stages of their lives than those with lower scores in those areas, says study co-author Gabriel Olaru, PhD, an assistant professor at Tilburg University in the Netherlands. But this new study examined how the personality traits played a role over the entire course of someone’s life.“Our main goal with this research was to look at where the personality is relevant for life satisfaction across the entire lifespan because we thought maybe in young age you have different roles or different tasks in your life than old age,” Dr. Olaru says. For example higher extraversion is connected with more life satisfaction in adolescence because of how that trait lends itself to making friends. “Later on it’s more about being emotionally stable or conscientious because you may already be married and have children and your social relationships are already more fixed, so we were interested in to what degree that plays a role,” he explains.Even despite changing life circumstances, they found that the most emotionally stable people had high life satisfaction throughout the duration of their lives and the study. They also found that highly conscientiousness people reported more satisfaction with work, and more extraverted and agreeable people were more pleased with their social connections. Plus, people who increased their levels of these qualities over time said they were more satisfied in their work and social lives.How to become more emotionally stableSo what if we take the Big 5 personality test and find that we score low on emotional stability—does that mean we’re doomed to be less satisfied with our life? The answer is no, not at all. Although studies have found that personality is to some extent genetic, it’s not set in stone. “If you can train and you can build habits and keep it up long enough until you can do them without effort, then that may lead to a personality change,” Dr. Olaru says.According to Viktoriya Karakcheyeva, MD, director of behavioral health at the Resiliency and Well-Being Center at George Washington University’s School of Medicine & Health Sciences, it’s important to remember that everyone is starting from somewhere different from others. But positive skills, like regulating our emotions, can eventually be learned. “Maybe you’re starting at the point where you have more vulnerabilities than someone else, but you can practice those skills,” she says. “It’s about functionality and figuring out what functions best for you as an individual.”Managing our response to negative emotions and the stress that comes with them is something that can be worked on. One way to think about this, according to Dr. Karakcheyeva, is the stress bucket model, created by psychologists Alison Brabban and Douglas Turkington. The model is a simplified way to think about each person’s capacity for stress and negative emotions as a bucket that gradually fills up as we go about our day.“Over the course of the day we fill that bucket with different things and those stressors come in gradually or they may come in a big chunk that can fill the bucket up pretty fast,” Dr. Karakcheyeva says. “People who can better handle stress have some sort of well-regulated tap that releases what comes into the bucket gradually.” And luckily, the article points out, there are plenty of ways to strengthen and create new outlets to help us deal with what life throws our way.Enriching our lives in ways that can alleviate our stress and make it easier to respond to tough emotions looks a lot of different ways, such as creating and maintaining strong social connections. And Dr. Karakcheyeva says that even seemingly basic practices, like time outside in the sun, nourishing our body with food, and getting adequate sleep are part of emptying our buckets.So how do we make these positive behaviors part of our routine and turn them into lifelong habits that can change our personality? Dr. Karakcheyeva says the best way is to “start where you are” and begin incorporating new habits and practices in a way that’s realistic and doable. If they’re achievable, we’re more likely to consistently do them which is key. For example, if we’d like to start meditating and doing mindfulness exercises like joy snacking, don’t start with carving out an extended period of time or deciding it has to be done in a specific, special place.Instead, we can try out a quick mindfulness break to see how it goes, and adjust from there. “You can start with one minute a day, and you can even do it sitting in your office where you maybe close your eyes, take a deep breath,  pause, and notice what’s going on within your body and scan it for the points of tension, or maybe you get in touch with it just by noticing it and you may just leave it at that,” she says. The point is, we shouldn’t set ourselves up to fail before we start by making it unachievable. OK, duly noted. I think I’ll start with just remembering to breathe and find out what the heck is joy snacking!Courtesy Helen Carefoot, MSN.com View on WatchMore videos   Victoria Craig

I just read an interesting blog with this provocative title and wanted to share essentially as written. Though the article specifically relates to sales – real estate sales – I believe there are wider applications. The subject is one I think about often in my daily interactions: business, personal, familial and all other communications. Seems like we could all improve in this area but first we have to know the parameters.  See what you think: “Many of us have always assumed that a person's IQ score provides a general indication of how much they can accomplish in life. However, emotional intelligence, or EQ, is a better indicator of overall success than traditional intelligence—especially when it comes to sales! Certainly, the best real estate professionals know how to harness the power of emotional intelligence to orchestrate and close lucrative deals.What Is Emotional Intelligence?In business, emotional intelligence refers to someone's propensity for a personal connection with colleagues and clients. While IQ tests measure verbal and mathematical intelligence, EQ measures softer skills, such as the ability to stay motivated, delay gratification, and regulate emotions.Close the Deal: How Is Emotional Intelligence Used in Sales?While using emotional intelligence to close the deal is more of an art than a science, there are a few principles you can follow to use EQ to your advantage.Read the room. Pay attention to what's not being said. Notice and mirror behavior patterns in your prospects to build trust. Awareness is the cornerstone of emotional intelligence.Control your feelings. Emotionally intelligent people do not allow emotions to get in the way of a profitable business transaction. Keep your feelings in check and your mind sharp to ensure you're not leaving value on the table.Follow your passion. Warren Buffett said, "In the world of business, the people who are most successful are those who are doing what they love." Closing the deal is much easier when you believe in what you're selling. Find a product or service you can get behind and funnel those feelings into your sales tactics.Make people your priority. For those with high EQ, every business is a people business. Don't view people as secondary to the business transaction at hand. Use empathy to create value for each person involved in the deal and create lasting relationships—that's how you build a strong sales pipeline.Emotional intelligence is a powerful tool. Harness its potential to sense your customer's needs, empathize with them, and provide win-win solutions. Stay aware, keep your feelings in check, and, above all, find your passion! Follow these principles to close the deal while maintaining your integrity!”Courtesy Old Republic Home Protection Victoria Craig

I think we all experience getting swept up in other people’s problems or in situations that are largely out of our control.  A recent article didn’t really make a distinction between family/relative problems and those of friends and/or colleagues. For me, there is a difference so I relate to the article as dealing with acquaintances that may be close but aren’t in the realm of spouses, parents, children, other relatives.  We have no control over these problems either, but it’s hard not to have some stress when those closest to us are suffering. “At a fundamental level, we are social creatures. We pick up on the cues of other people,” said Tim Bono, a lecturer in psychological and brain sciences and the assistant dean in arts and sciences at Washington University in St. Louis. It’s pointed out that we’ll likely react how those around us are reacting in certain situations — whether that’s ducking when we see someone else duck or getting mad when our friend is upset. “If lots of people around us are responding to an event with sadness or fear or distress, we pick up on that ourselves and we implicitly tend to adopt those behaviors, because if other people are responding this way, that must be the appropriate way to respond,” Bono said. When it comes to other people’s stress, this can take on an extreme form, which many people refer to as secondhand stress. According to Bono, secondhand stress is not an official clinical term. Instead, it captures other phenomena that are well-documented in behavioral sciences, he said. “I think that it, to me, falls broadly in the domain of mental health and how we respond when we see another person who’s experiencing distress,” Bono said.  He added that the phrase recalls the popular term “compassion fatigue” or newer but just as poignant concepts like “empathic distress” or “empathic concern.” Specifically, secondhand stress is “the consequence of being exhausted from taking on the suffering of others or helping them cope or being a resource for them,” Bono said. Alicia Brown, a psychotherapist with Grow Therapy in South Florida, agreed and added that secondhand stress can occur when “you become stressed and overwhelmed trying to support [someone].” The article notes further that secondhand stress can also happen when stress builds up to a level where you can’t articulate it, according to Elizabeth (Birdie) Shirtcliff, a research professor at the University of Oregon. “It builds up as sort of tension, and that tension — the not talking about it, the not expressing it — that’s the piece that gets under the skin,” Shirtcliff noted. This can happen when we’re so worried about another person that we can’t talk about it. “The stress is a form of stress that’s really difficult to talk about it ― that’s the stress that has a physiological impact,” Shirtcliff said. In other words, secondhand stress is “an extreme form of empathy,” as Bono put it, or when we absorb tension coming from another person.   The article then gives us the signs to look out for and what to do if we are experiencing this form of stress.We’re overly attentive to others.According to Shirtcliff, if we find that we are overly attentive to cues about our loved one’s safety, we may be dealing with secondhand stress. “An example would be if our loved one stands up too fast and they have Parkinson’s, and we’re immediately rushing in to make sure they’re OK,” even when they are OK, she said.  This demonstrates vigilance, even when that high level of vigilance is not necessary.Additionally, she said, research shows that caregivers — generally, mothers — have high spikes in the stress hormone cortisol when their child is going through a stressor. And these spikes in cortisol that the mothers experience are higher than the spikes in the children going through the stressful experience.We have difficulty communicating.As mentioned above, many people dealing with secondhand stress find their situation difficult to talk about. If we can’t articulate the problem and why it’s bothering us, we may be dealing with this issue, according to Brown.She said this could look like the inability to explain why the stressful situation impacts us on such a major level or why we are so worried about our loved one. Overall, it may just feel like a huge problem with no solution. In order to cope at all, we have to be able to recognize the stressor or trigger, along with the emotions connected to it, Brown added. If we can’t talk about it, we won’t be able to cope.We may start to withdraw.Bono said that withdrawing from our daily tasks or from certain situations because of stress-induced anxiety and sadness is a sign of secondhand stress as well. “We’re so overcome with anxiety or sadness that you can’t carry out your daily tasks,” Bono said. So, things like not being able to focus at work or struggling to run necessary errands could be evidence of this heightened level of stress.We might also feel physical symptoms.Signs of depression, fatigue and burnout are all red flags for secondhand stress as well, Shirtcliff said. Scan for problems like excess exhaustion, numbness, headaches or feeling emotionally heavy. Additionally, we may find that our mind is racing and we’re constantly thinking about our loved one (but not in a good or romantic way), she noted.Set boundaries to help combat our secondhand stress.“A huge thing ... is setting boundaries with yourself,” Brown said. “It’s OK to not be able to help someone if you aren’t able to help yourself.” And that isn’t selfish behavior, she stressed. What’s more, don’t feel like we have to be the savior in these kinds of situations, Brown added. We can’t be everything to everyone. “It’s OK to take a break from people” and to admit that we don’t have the emotional capacity to handle their situation in a healthy way, she noted. Boundaries can help us manage our own stress before it gets out of control.We also should find someone safe to confide in to help you cope with secondhand stress.Whether a therapist or best friend, if we are struggling with secondhand stress, we should open up to someone.“Practice some self-care and give yourself permission to articulate the stress that you’re feeling, and don’t discount that it’s not happening to you, that it can still affect you,” Shirtcliff said. She noted that high levels of unspoken stress can affect our immune system and cause our stress hormones to soar — which can cause complications like heart attacks, high blood pressure, headaches and more, according to the Mayo Clinic. “[You’re] carrying around all this worry silently and really feeling very lonely,” Shirtcliff said. “And loneliness is one of the biggest killers out there, honestly.” To combat that loneliness, find someone to share your experience with. While it can be hard to allow ourselves to seek help when someone else is the one going through the worst of a situation, it’s still necessary. “[Just] because someone needs more help doesn’t mean you yourself don’t as well or wouldn’t benefit from it,” Shirtcliff said. So bottom line is that the most we may be able to do when our friends are dealing with difficulties is be there for them, try to rise above the stress, and seek support ourselves if we are struggling.Courtesy Jillian Wilson, HuffPostVictoria Craig

Word experts say we need to ditch certain phrases in order to sound more assertive - if that's our aim.A recent article suggests that we all have skills, opinions and ideas that we feel confident about. But whether or not other people — a manager, colleague, friend, partner or new acquaintance — feel the same depends on how we communicate.The authors ask if we are passive and let other people steamroll over us. Or are we aggressive and make enemies instead of friends? Or are we passive-aggressive and irritate others by being unclear? The take away is that none of these are qualities will help us sound confident.The key, say the authors, is to be assertive without being overly aggressive, and we can do that by avoiding four phrases that make us sound weak or timid: "I'm sorry to ask this, but..."We’re cautioned that when we use apologetic words (e.g., "I'm sorry, I have one last question" or "Maybe it's just me, but..."), it can sound like we're putting ourselves down. Or it can downplay a request that we're trying to make.It’s suggested that we're better off skipping the intros. Don't say: "I'm sorry to bother you, but can you share the report you made for the team meeting?" Just get to the request: "Can you share the report you made for the team meeting?"Then close with a "thank you." "I could do that."We’re reminded that verbs are action words. They tell people what we're doing or what we're going to do. To appear stronger, we should choose verbs that clearly state our intentions.For example, "will" is much stronger than "could." Instead of "I could do that," say "I will do that."Similarly, when we ask for something, "I need" is much stronger than "I want." Why? Because we don't want assistance; we need assistance.  "You need to..."The article also points out that when we start a request with a "you"-based statement (e.g., "You make me..." or "You cannot..."), it can come across as controlling behavior, which is sometimes the result of fear or insecurity."I"-based statements, however, can help us communicate how we're feeling or what we want, without it sounding like an attack.For example, "You need to get started on that project" sounds more commanding than the equally assertive "I'd like it if you started on that project."We should always lead with our own feelings or actions, according to the authors. "You always..." (or "You never...")Generalizations typically lead to arguments because they can cause the other person to get defensive.If we're unhappy about something, the article says to be specific. Instead of saying "You always forget meetings," say "I was upset when you showed up late to Thursday's meeting."We also don't want to assign all of the blame to one person: "You ruined the presentation by not being there!"Instead, we’re advised to describe the situation accurately: "By coming 10 minutes late, you made the presentation more difficult by distracting the client." This method gives us a reputation for fairness and helps the other person see where they can improve.More ways to sound assertive without being overly aggressiveThe authors propose that being thoughtful and intentional in the way we communicate will go a long way in earning respect. They offer some additional tips to keep in mind:Say "because" when we refuse a request. It softens the "no" and confidently explains our reasoning. Instead of saying "I can't do it," say "I can't do that today, because I need to prepare for a meeting this afternoon." (Bonus points if we offer a potential solution: "How about I do that on Tuesday?")Say "I understand" when we disagree with someone. Instead of cutting right to the chase about why we think someone is wrong, we should start with a softener like "I see your point" or "I get what you're driving at."Start with empathy.When we're turning someone down, let them know we understand how it affects them. "I know you are busy and stressed out, but I really don't have the time today."When we explain a problem, use conditional statements. We’re requested to follow this format: "If you do [X], then [Y] happens." For example: "When the report wasn't finished in time, it created a problem for the team's sales presentation." This helps us take the emotion out of the problem and focus on the solution.It's interesting to actually think about the phrases/phrasing we use to communicate with each other. Seems like our daily interactions, whether in person, by phone, via email and/or text, are generally without much intentionality. And given everyone’s time constraints, we may not have the luxury of formulating verbal or written conversations that are without some of the above adverse issues. So now we have something to add to our New Year’s resolutions: to say what we mean and mean what we say with the absence of any hidden connotations resulting in no negative consequences.Courtesy Kathy and Ross Petras  Victoria Craig

A recent article noted how a lot of things trend on social media, and how many of those trending topics aren’t good. In fact, they can be pretty harmful (NyQuil chicken). But, like all trends, they capture attention for a reason — some of these popular topics even prove pretty useful. In 2022, particularly on the subject of general “wellness”, hundreds of trends have come out or simply grown in popularity. From exercise routines to healing our inner child, many healthy trending topics are in the public eye for a good reason. And just because they’re trending now, the article points out, doesn’t mean they need to end in 2023. If anything, they should be continued and explored more.  Lindsay Monal, a yoga teacher at YogaRenew Teacher Training, said that it’s important to follow the trends that we like and that will keep us consistent in our practice, whether mentally and/or physically. Here are the some of the most useful of these trends in 2022, according to experts:End of people pleasing and entering our “villain” eraThe article tells us that a simple search for “villain era” on TikTok brings up thousands of videos that showcase people putting an end to people pleasing and embracing their so-called villain era. We’re cautioned that while boundary setting and putting an end to people pleasing are both valuable for our mental health, there is something wrong with this being phrased as villainous behavior, according to Sarah Sarkis, an executive coach and senior director of performance psychology at Exos, a corporate wellness company. “The ‘villain era’ is really an inaccurate depiction of people setting healthy boundaries,” Sarkis said. “While the trend means well, we shouldn’t be vilifying taking a step away from pleasing others to prioritize our own needs and well-being.” She asked: “If we are always pleasing other people but never addressing our own needs, who are we actually being a villain to? Ourselves perhaps? Is that OK?” The answer: No, it is not. She noted that burnout (due to holiday stress, work stress, family pressure and more) is a significant driver of this end of people pleasing. “We’re starting to see this shift to reverse years if not generations worth of conditioning to put others’ needs before our own,” Sarkis said.Healing our inner childTikTok also led to a trend where people openly acknowledged tough childhood moments and worked on coming to terms with those experiences. “Talking about trauma more openly and really talking about inner child work, I think, has prompted a lot of conversations that I don’t think have happened at other points in time as openly and as in-depth,” said Genesis Games, a licensed mental health counselor and relationship expert in Miami.  She noted that acknowledging that our inner child needs healing is an excellent first step. Still, adult children who want to take this further can have conversations with their parents or guardians about their childhood experiences. “I think in that specific dynamic, there’s a lot of room for healing and just knowing your parents maybe did the best they could,” she said.Games added that just hearing your parent acknowledge your pain could mean a lot for your healing journey.  She said that the name of this trend itself, “healing your inner child,” shines a light on what served us in childhood and what didn’t — it helps us reparent ourselves to address unmet needs as kids. “I would definitely say this was probably one of the healthiest trends of 2022,” she noted.Rest as resistance“I’m loving [this] trend, and I want to encourage people to lean further into the trend of resting — so literally sleeping, napping, doing things that fill you up — as a form of resistance against oppression, against patriarchy, against all sorts of things,” said Taisha Caldwell-Harvey, a licensed psychologist and the founder and CEO of The Black Girl Doctor, an online therapy and wellness platform. Many Instagram posts and TikTok videos challenge the notion that rest is tied to being unproductive or lazy. Rest “is something productive and active that you’re doing,” Caldwell-Harvey said. She added doing things intentionally that give you joy (like resting) is a productive use of time. While this trend has been celebrated on social media this year, only some know how to practice it. Caldwell-Harvey said that she has to explain to many of her clients exactly what rest is — for the record, it’s not running errands, cleaning or doing dishes that you didn’t get to because of your nine-to-five. It’s sleeping, napping, curling up with a good book or doing whatever you need to fill your cup.Openness around diagnosesWhile year over year this has certainly gotten better, Games said she noticed in 2022 that more people were taking to TikTok to share their mental health diagnoses — whether it’s what prompted them to get help for bipolar disorder or how ADHD presents in them. “I think [this] has taken away some of the stigmas, some of the shame and maybe guilt associated with seeing a therapist or around taking medication for psychological reasons,” she said. While the stigma is not gone, these kinds of videos and posts have helped reduce it, Games added. They help put a real-life face to some of the diagnoses that hold a stigma — like autism or postpartum depression, she said. It’s also an excellent way to remind those living with any conditions that evidence-based treatments can change your life, she noted. We’re reminded that it’s important to remember that we can’t count on TikTok for an official diagnosis; that needs to come from a medical professional. But we can seek out education, community and support on the app. While the stigma is not gone, these kinds of videos and posts have helped reduce it, Games added. They help put a real-life face to some of the diagnoses that hold a stigma — like autism or postpartum depression, she said. It’s also an excellent way to remind those living with any conditions that evidence-based treatments can change your life, she noted. Low-intensity exerciseLow-intensity exercise (like walking, yoga, hiking and swimming) is increasingly popular, and for a good reason. According to Monal, the yoga teacher, people are more drawn to low-intensity exercise lately because of the societal shift many are experiencing now. We’re probably back in the hustle and bustle of life — in-person work, social gatherings and more. “Our bodies are burnt out, and I think more than ever now, a lot of people are waking up and realizing how they need to listen to their bodies a little more,” Monal said. “Those low-impact exercises, like pilates, yoga, even bodyweight exercises, I find a lot of people… are leaning toward more things that are going to be a little more gentle on the body.” She added that it’s also a good fitness move because it lifts society’s changing opinion on weight loss.  “I think it’s a reflection of the way our culture has shifted around exercise and also away from ‘oh you need to lose weight’ and more toward ‘what’s going to help me move and have mobility and flexibility as I continue to age,’” Monal said. I confess I’m not a regular TikTok viewer and don’t consider the source when I’m seeking professional advice. But “trends” as identified on these social media sites make their way to general Internet sites where all can see – and decide if there is applicability to one’s personal life. Like pretty much everything else going on in our lives, we listen/read/view what others say, experiment and decide if what we’re trying is useful and practical. Whatever the case, sincere best wishes for a happy, healthy and productive 2023! Courtesy Jillian Wilson Victoria Craig

Most of us are aware of Dopamine, a feel-good chemical that’s produced in your brain. Essentially, it makes us happy. And our brains release it with certain activities and behaviors ― many of which we already do everyday. A recent article reminds us that we can consciously aim to participate in at least some of these activities on a daily basis and thereby increase our feelings of well being. I have to confess that some of these activities seemed logical but a few were a surprise. “Whenever we participate in activities that are considered essential from our body’s point of view, our brain releases a large amount of dopamine,” which is meant to encourage you to do this activity more, according to Dr. Kiran F. Rajneesh, the director of the neurological pain division and associate professor of neurology at the Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center.  The article notes that throughout evolution, dopamine’s task was to “sense reward, learn the place and activity that leads to reward and also motivate you to go to those places to obtain [a] reward,” said Dr. Hitoshi Morikawa, an associate professor in the departments of neuroscience and psychiatry at the University of Texas at Austin. And that is still the case today.  In essence, “dopamine is a reward sensor,” Morikawa said.While this reward sensor was and is essential to human survival, evolution has made it so maladaptive behaviors also result in the release of dopamine in humans, both experts said. “Generally, when neuroscientists talk about dopamine, we think about addiction because it is an addiction driver,” Morikawa explained.The hormone makes you want to repeat certain behaviors, turning them into habits ― whether they are healthy or not. (Like substance misuse or smoking, for example.) The article further notes that while this reward sensor was and is essential to human survival, evolution has made it so maladaptive behaviors also result in the release of dopamine in humans, both experts said. “Generally, when neuroscientists talk about dopamine, we think about addiction because it is an addiction driver,” Morikawa explained.  The hormone makes us want to repeat certain behaviors, turning them into habits ― whether they are healthy or not. (Like substance misuse or smoking, for example.) However, that’s not always the case, apparently. The release of this hormone is also part of our body’s daily function. While this is not a cure for any disease or condition, it can be helpful to know when dopamine is released — and when we can expect to feel a little mood boost as a result. The article highlights a few times when our body releases dopamine:EatingWe’re told that our prehistoric ancestors knew that food was necessary for survival, in part because of the reward sensor that dopamine activated. This is still true today. In fact, Rajneesh said that any activity that is “evolutionarily protective and essential for our well-being and survival” releases dopamine. Being able to find food and eat that food certainly falls into this category. Some studies even say that eating results in a dopamine release twice: first when the food is eaten and again when the food is in the stomach.Drinking WaterWhen you’re parched, a glass of water certainly feels like a reward, so it’s no wonder it also triggers the release of dopamine in our brain.  But not all sips of water will release dopamine, Morikawa noted. Instead, we have to really want or need the water — like after a tough workout or on a hot day. “In the middle of summer, and you’re really thirsty, then drinking water should increase dopamine levels in the brain — that should be one of the most effective ways to increase them,” he said.Receiving PraiseOne really common way that dopamine is released is when praising children for good behaviors, Rajneesh said. Praise triggers a release of dopamine in kids’ brains — and the same goes for praising pets. In these situations, their good behaviors are reinforced by the feel-good nature of that dopamine release, he said. The same is true when adults receive praise, Rajneesh added. So sending a congratulatory email to our colleagues or a celebratory text to a friend is actually doing more good than we think.Playing Video GamesMany studies have measured and found that playing video games results in the release of dopamine in the brain for some people, Morikawa noted. While this in itself is not a bad thing, it can become negative if the feeling of playing video games is too positive or too fun, he added. When “elevating dopamine levels, sometimes you get really hooked [onto] certain activities,” Morikawa said. In this case, that activity can be video games, which can lead to problems for people who aren’t professional gamers, he added. (For example, students who should be doing homework instead of playing.)Having SexSex causes a release of endorphins, as Dr. Elizabeth C. Gardner, an orthopedics sports medicine surgeon at Yale Medicine, previously told HuffPost. And studies show it also causes a release of dopamine. During evolution, the dopaminergic system developed to promote the “survival and maintenance of our species,” Morikawa said. In other words, there’s an instinctual reason sex feels so enticing. Our brains are wired to know that sex is important for survival, and the neurons that release dopamine do so when they sense the reward associated with the act.Activities That Enhance Your Well-BeingMeditating and other activities can also lead to a release of dopamine, Rajneesh said. “Engaging in activities that enhance your well-being such as yoga, exercise, hobbies [and] games ... can help release dopamine in the brain and further enhance your sense of well-being and health as nature intended it to be,” Rajneesh said. So there it is. Doesn't sound too difficult to engage in some if not all suggested activities. Don't worry, be happy! Courtesy Jillian WilsonVictoria Craig

I freely admit that I’m one of those people that don’t have anything specific to say when someone asks “What are your hobbies?” Many people can easily rattle off answers to this question ― crocheting, pottery, fishing, gardening, birdwatching or whatever entices them. But for others, no acceptable responses seem to come to mind. I love to travel but don’t really consider that a “hobby”.“A lot of times, labels like the word ‘hobby’ can have the propensity to evoke anxiety in us,” Bari Schwarz, a psychotherapist based in New York City and Charleston, South Carolina, told HuffPost. “We can panic or freeze when we’re put on the spot to answer with confidence what we enjoy. ‘Why can’t I think of anything?’ ‘Are my hobbies considered hobbies?’ ‘Am I lacking in some way in their mind?’”This recent article points out that it’s not abnormal to feel like we don’t have any hobbies ― or that our personal interests don’t count as actual hobbies. In this age of stress and burnout, the idea of having any free time to pursue passions can seem like a distant fantasy.So is it time to take the pressure off the idea of hobbies? Or perhaps redefine what the word means to us today? Below, Schwarz and other psychology experts share their thoughts and advice.What actually is a hobby?“A hobby at its core is an activity that one enjoys in their spare time,” Schwarz said. “So instead of feeling the pressure to list hobbies, if we were more simply to ask ourselves, ‘What do I derive pleasure from or enjoy doing?’ I think people would be surprised at how much easier it feels to answer.”We’re advised that hobbies don’t have to be “productive” or involve specific benchmarks of improvement or progress (though it’s perfectly fine if ours do).“Somebody once asked me in an interview what is my hobby, and I told them traveling,” said Sue Varma, a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at NYU Langone Health. “They said, ‘Well that’s not really a hobby.’ But for me, it is. I like to learn, explore, enjoy ― and I feel rewarded. I’m immersed in it, growing from it. For me, traveling is a hobby, and I’m intentional about it. I practice it, and I put thought and effort into it. Am I getting better at it? Maybe not, but there’s nothing really to get better at.”She believes in expanding our definition of hobby to “what brings us meaning and joy.” Learning something new or getting better at a skill would just be an added bonus.The article notes that in our work-oriented “hustle culture,” remember that our hobby doesn’t have to be something we can turn into a “side hustle” ― like selling the sweaters we knit on Etsy.“There’s value in identifying things and activities that bring you pleasure or restoration during downtime, but it doesn’t have to be things traditionally considered hobbies to bring about the same positive psychological impact,” said Meg Gitlin, a New York City-based psychotherapist. “Perhaps this is enjoying a TV show when they finish for the day or going for a walk.” So instead of feeling the pressure to foster a suitable hobby in the eyes of others, it’s suggested we think about the activities that bring us enjoyment and feel like self-care. Ms Gitlin offered the definition of a hobby as “an activity done regularly in one’s leisure time for pleasure” and encouraged people to look at how a certain activity or interest might improve their everyday life by helping them unwind, for instance.“I think the traditional concept of a hobby (i.e. painting, gardening) is great, but it is also a luxury for most people,” Gitlin noted. “With ever-expanding work days and the demands of day-to-day living, many people do not have the bandwidth to devote time to what is traditionally considered ‘a hobby.’”These days, to have hobbies is, in many ways, a privilege, according to the article.Why do we feel so much pressure around hobbies?“I think we live in a society that is very comparative, and people feel that their lives are ‘not enough,’” Gitlin noted. “We are quick to weigh ourselves down with ‘shoulds,’ when in fact we should recognize all that we are already doing and take a thoughtful and pragmatic approach when thinking about how we can use our free time as restorative.”“I think we live in a world where everyone has their own hobbies on display on social media, so not being able to name one quickly can feel like something is different about you,” said Rachel Thomasian, a licensed therapist and owner of Playa Vista Counseling in Los Angeles.“It’s OK if you enjoy cooking and your hobby is in practice while you cook dinner each night and nothing more. Where I challenge and push clients of mine is when I notice anxiety or depression keeping them from enjoying activities and connection with others.”The article stresses that what others consider to be a hobby or not needn’t dictate what we decide to do with our precious spare time. Yet we still feel a societal expectation around this highly personal aspect of life.“I think people feel pressure for the same reasons we generally do overall; because we want to fit in and feel appreciated by our peers,” said Alfiee Breland-Noble, an Arlington, Virginia-based therapist and founder of The AAKOMA Project. “Sometimes this means we aspire to accept the same things as others, even when we are not entirely sure whether or not the ‘thing’ we are aspiring to really fits for us.”She emphasized that identifying something as a hobby is completely relative.“We should never feel obligated to fit anyone else’s standard for who we are or what we enjoy,” Alfiee added. “As well, there is no one standard to which all people must adhere requiring them to have a hobby, so in my opinion, it is perfectly fine to not have a hobby.” We’re asked to remember that what brings us joy doesn't have to be something we turn into a side hustle.How can we overcome that sense of pressure?“I recommend just taking a step back and appreciating that what we do for self-care are things we derive enjoyment from on a personal level and therefore fit under the category of hobbies,” Schwarz said. “Whether it’s painting and ceramics or just going on a walk by yourself or an exercise class.”We’re advised to think about the things we do to foster a sense of work-life balance, whether it’s going to wine tastings, watching movies and TV shows or trying new restaurants with friends.“Treat yourself with a little bit of grace, stop comparing yourself to others and realize you do enjoy things,” Schwarz said. “No one’s ‘hobby’ is better than the next person’s. It’s all about what makes you unwind and what makes you carve out this work-life balance.”And rather than assess the value of a given hobby or if something counts as a hobby at all, we should ask ourselves what activities or qualities make us feel good and lean into those. We should also remember, it’s perfectly fine to be “bad” at our hobby of choice.“I like to ask people to list everything they do in a week that is not part of work, and then put those things in order of most to least enjoyable and think about what else they’d like to squeeze in there or do more of,” Thomasian said. “I also believe personal growth happens from engaging in new activities, so I am a firm believer [in] stretching oneself, but not through shame or force.Hobbies that involve more presence and participation can be particularly helpful in reducing stress, but finding what’s right for us is about trial and error. We shouldn’t worry if we feel like we can’t commit to a specific hobby, either. There’s value in picking things up for a time and putting them down.“I’m less interested in whether or not people have hobbies, but rather do they have healthy distractions to help them unplug from day-to-day stress and do they have good coping skills so that they aren’t turning to substances or unhealthy means of coping?” Varma noted.So we don’t have to dive into a hobby just for the sake of it. We should take advantage of the opportunity to do things that feel good for us.“I would tell people the same thing I tell my patients, that your guiding light should always be your internal compass and reflective insight,” Alfiee said. “If we can take the time to carefully think about what is meaningful to us, then we will always assure ourselves that the choices we make reflect our individual values and desires, making those choices a much better fit for us.”“And who knows us better than we know ourselves?” she added. “Ideally no one, so what others think about our choices should always be secondary to what we believe and know about ourselves.” Courtesy HuffPostVictoria Craig

At some point, we may find our lives/lifestyle moving in a different direction, away from our current pursuits and into new territory. Sometimes this situation can be a literal move, a pre-planned one or something over which we have no control. Whatever the circumstances, starting a new chapter in our life can be challenging, to say the least, as we embark on a journey through unknown territory. Leaving a career certainly fits into this category but even involving ourselves in new, never before experienced activities, can evoke the same negative emotions.So for those for whom the above description is applicable, it may be helpful to hear what Serena Williams had to say about her next life adventure. Most people are familiar with the name Serena Williams, even if you don’t follow tennis or sports in general.A recent article about Serena suggests that deciding to end a career to which you have dedicated your whole life is never easy. Even when you’re a superstar athlete like Serena Williams, it can be difficult to know when to move on –– especially when you and your sister Venus are responsible for revolutionizing the sport.In a candid Vogue essay , the 23-time Grand Slam champion revealed how she has been emotionally preparing to focus on “other things that are important to me” after this year’s U.S. Open.“I have never liked the word retirement. It doesn’t feel like a modern word to me. I’ve been thinking of this as a transition, but I want to be sensitive about how I use that word, which means something very specific and important to a community of people,” Williams wrote.  “Maybe the best word to describe what I’m up to is evolution. I’m here to tell you that I’m evolving away from tennis, toward other things that are important to me. A few years ago I quietly started Serena Ventures, a venture capital firm. Soon after that, I started a family. I want to grow that family.”  The article points out that by framing her choice to move on as an ongoing evolution, Williams confirms a hard truth about these big career decisions: They’re often not a decision someone just wakes up to one day, they can be a series of starts and stops, and it’s OK to feel contradictory emotions about it.  Even if we’re not superstar athletes with gold medals and numerous titles, everyone will have to face this kind of crossroads or a decision to move on sometime in their career. The article proposes that Williams’ insights into the process can be an example of how to do it thoughtfully and gracefully.  Framing retirement as an “evolution” shows that ending one career chapter doesn’t mean starting the next one from scratch.  Tanisha Ranger, a Nevada-based clinical psychologist, said she enjoys Williams’ use of the word “evolution” to describe her retirement, because the word retirement often carries negative, final connotations.  “Her categorizing it as evolution, as opposed to retirement, is the difference between looking at it as ‘This is an end, and it’s all downhill from here’ or ‘This end is the beginning of something new. I’m going to grow, I’m going to evolve, I’m going to change,’” Ranger said.  “The word ‘retirement’ often comes with grief and confusion for many,” said Katheryn Perez, a California-based psychotherapist. “Serena’s ability to shift her mindset from retirement to evolution is the perfect example of who she is as an athlete, and her ability to pivot, her courage and strength.”  By framing it as an evolution, Williams is also pointedly showing how ending one career for a new one doesn’t mean that the experience and skills gained from one profession are not transferable to the next one.  Sian Beilock, a sports psychologist, president of Barnard College, and author of “Choke: What the Secrets of the Brain Reveal About Getting It Right When You Have To,” a book that explores how athletes perform under pressure, said Williams’ essay demonstrates how her decision to stay true to herself and work hard at everything she does goes into what she does as a mother and what she does in her venture capital business.  In this way, choosing to retire one career is “not taking away your entire identity, it’s taking aspects of yourself that you value and putting it towards something different,” Beilock said.  It’s normal to have mixed feelings about ending something so important to you. Bottling those emotions is bad.  As Williams wrote, she is not entirely ready to move on, and she does not feel relief about doing so, like some of her other colleagues in tennis have felt.  “There is no happiness in this topic for me. I know it’s not the usual thing to say, but I feel a great deal of pain,” Williams wrote in Vogue. “It’s the hardest thing that I could ever imagine. I hate it. I hate that I have to be at this crossroads. I keep saying to myself, I wish it could be easy for me, but it’s not. I’m torn: I don’t want it to be over, but at the same time I’m ready for what’s next.”  Ranger said Williams’ mixed emotions speak to how many people facing this crossroads often feel: “When your life priorities change, you may know what you need to do, but that doesn’t mean that you are going to like it,” she said. “I would say whenever you are coming to a big life transition, to allow yourself to feel all the contradictory emotions about it.”  Ranger used herself as an example, citing how she knew that moving to a different city for a job with a 40% raise was the right move, but she still missed the community and friends she had in her old city, which made her decision very hard.  “It was hard to leave, even though it was the right thing to do,” she said. “I think that we get so caught up in ‘This is good, this is right, I should feel good about it,’ and it’s ‘No, you are going to feel everything about it. It’s OK to allow yourself to grieve that loss even though you know that it’s the best thing for you.’”  By letting us into the process of making a monumental career change, Williams helps normalize the sadness and gratefulness one can be feeling while making such a transition.  “Just like Serena, we can start seeing ourselves and our lives as an evolution,” Perez said. “We can evolve into a new version of ourselves, one that gives us the ability to explore new ways of living, thinking, and feeling. You have the right to evolve, shift and pivot in life.”  Even as she heads toward the next chapter of her career, Williams never stops being a trailblazer, on and off the court.  As Williams herself put it, “Over the years, I hope that people come to think of me as symbolizing something bigger than tennis...I’d like it to be: Serena is this and she’s that and she was a great tennis player and she won those slams.” Courtesy Monica Torres, HuffpostVictoria Craig

Sometimes I just can’t let things go, no matter how trivial, inconsequential or simply not that important. And even when an error is large, the situation can generally be rectified, often by just admitting to the mistake and apologizing.  A recent article notes that making mistakes happens at some point to all of us in our jobs. But many of us hold on to these mistakes longer than others. That’s me. The article suggests that maybe we lie awake at night still feeling queasy and anxious over the way we frustrated a client by accidentally giving them the wrong information. Or maybe we are avoiding co-workers because we feel like they are all judging us for that error, even though it happened last week. The author notes that if either of these scenarios sounds familiar, we may be prone to obsessing over mistakes. What fuels these constant worries is the shame of feeling completely inadequate and fear of others discovering your lack of capabilities, said Tanisha Ranger, a Nevada-based clinical psychologist. Once we start obsessing over mistakes because of our shame, it can steamroll into bigger problems like perfectionism. “Shame often gives way to perfectionism, and perfectionism makes mistakes feel monumental. Essentially, ‘If I don’t do everything perfectly right then I am a failure and everyone will see my defectiveness,’” she said. “I’ve had many clients who struggled with obsessing over mistakes at work. [They lay] awake at night ruminating and beating themselves up over a mistake, not an intentional or careless mess-up, but a mistake.” The article then goes on to say there’s a better way to acknowledge a mistake while still letting it go. Here’s how:1. Put the mistake in perspective.After we make an obvious mistake at in our work, we may want the ground to swallow us up to save us from the embarrassment, shame and anxiety of facing our co-workers again. If these worries are keeping us up at night, challenge those thoughts by getting more realistic with our thinking, suggested Shannon Garcia, a psychotherapist at States of Wellness Counseling in Illinois and Wisconsin.  “Will the world end? Nope,” she said. “Will you get dismissed? Highly unlikely. Will you receive constructive feedback from your manager? Maybe. Will owning up to your mistake be uncomfortable? Probably. Have you survived past mistakes? Seems like it, if you’re reading this. Will you survive this one? Yes!” The article notes that sometimes accidental oversights do hurt our job performance, but it’s important to not catastrophize what happened. “Sure, it caused a delay. Yes, it may have cost the company some money. OK, it negatively impacted job performance. But is it actually the end of your career? Really? Likely not,” said Ranger. “Shrinking things down to their right size, not ignoring/suppressing and also not overblowing or exaggerating, is an important part of letting things go.” We’re further advised that if it helps, we should try putting ourself in the shoes of co-workers who have also made mistakes. Once we see the compassion and sympathy we hold for their slip-ups, we may be more inclined to be compassionate about our own. “When a colleague has made a mistake in the past, is it something you’ve judged them immensely for? Did you spend your day thinking endlessly about their mistake? No. People we work with are likely reacting the same way,” Garcia said. “No one is thinking about this more than you are.”2. Learn that you don’t have to beat yourself up as penance.To move past a mistake, it’s also proposed that we need to rethink what it means to learn from a mistake. If we think turning over every angle of how an interaction could have gone better, for example, take a deep breath. We need to give ourself permission to release those thoughts, said organizational psychologist Laura Gallaher of the consulting firm Gallaher Edge. People ruminate because they believe there are payoffs to worrying so much; they think “A conscientious person would worry about this,” Gallaher said. “When you know that you can simultaneously be a conscientious person, and also forgive yourself to move forward, it will be easier to do so.” What Garcia tells her clients the most is “be nice to yourself,” she said. We need to reframe our worries in a more positive light. “The fact that you are anxious about it means you care. That’s what your manager, colleagues and clients care about the most,” Garcia said. “Try not to beat yourself up over it. Create an affirmation to repeat to yourself whenever those negative self-talk thoughts pop up: ‘I accept my mistake, I choose to learn from it, and I am moving forward.’” And if we’re stuck in the world of “could’ve/should’ve” in regards to our error, we’re asked to be honest with ourself about what we didn’t know. Ranger says she works with some clients by asking them to consider why they supposedly “should have known better.”  “It’s always so enticing to impose our current knowledge and wisdom on a past version of ourselves that could not have known to make that decision with the information we had at that time,” she said. Don’t hide the mistake. Own what happened, but don’t take on other people’s judgment, too.When we make a big blunder at work, we may instinctually want to shut down, repress it, and forget it ever happened. But the article says if we feel the urge to withdraw, we should challenge ourself to do the opposite. We can even be the one to bring it up in conversation with co-workers or our manager.  “If it was something that inconvenienced them, apologize for it,” Garcia said. “Then it’s a conversation happening where you are involved, people are likely to be gracious, and everyone can move on from there.”  The article points out that it may sound confusing, but being transparent about our mistake and its impact can be healing. “It can feel like a cold shower –– before you do it, you fear it and feel uneasy or anxious,” Gallaher explained.  “In the moment of being open, it can feel unpleasant at first, but once it’s over, you actually feel more refreshed 99% of the time. Taking accountability without blaming anybody is the most healing.“  And once we model being open and accountable, it may encourage others to do so as well. “Most of the time, when you lead with self-accountability, that vulnerability is courageous, and courage is contagious: People usually respond with their own self-accountability as well,” Gallaher said.  The article cautions that sometimes being honest about a mistake can also inspire eye-rolling judgment and harsh criticism from mean-spirited colleagues. So we should hold ourself accountable for our mistake, but the judgment of our peers isn’t something we need to take on in addition.  “Let them know what you intend to do differently to try to prevent something like this from happening in the future, and then accept that they may move on or they may not. It is outside of your control,” Ranger advised. “Taking on other people’s emotions is detrimental to yourself and makes it difficult for you to treat yourself with the kindness and compassion you deserve from you.”  Courtesy Huffpost.com Victoria Craig

I found a very timely article that addresses a scenario that I’ve personally experienced more than once.Summer travel: It’s something we think longingly about all winter long — even more so after sticking close to home for more than two years. We daydream about possible trips and plan meticulously with loved ones. Wherever we go, we expect to frolic and eat delicious things and have the best, most relaxing, most edifying time ever.Yet, inevitably, there is a moment in which things do not work out quite as expected.We scream at your kids (or spouse), who can’t look away from their screens, that we didn’t spend money on a beach house for this. We and our partner, who somehow manages to lose his/her phone on the way from airport check-in to the gate, end up hashing out the darkest details of our relationship in front of a bunch of strangers, who look away, having been there themselves. Or maybe we and our friends, after a crazy night somewhere that turns very, very bad, fly home silently together, not sure if we’ll ever speak again.“I don’t know a single person who this doesn’t happen to at some point,” says Dr. David Austern, clinical assistant professor in the department of psychiatry at New York University’s Grossman School of Medicine. “I have 100% had adult tantrums at Disney.”Yelling at each other on vacation is a panic response coded into our DNA. It’s connected with the amygdala, a part of our brains involved with processing fear, which perceives not just physical threats but emotional and psychological ones, says Dr. Antoinette Gupta, a psychologist. When we don’t feel like we’re getting what we need from loved ones, we sense that we don’t matter to them, that they’re not there for us. That causes physical distress as well as behaviors and emotions intended to help with our self-preservation, from withdrawing to attacking.In a way, vacation is a prime moment for this because our expectations are high and our frustration tolerance is low, notes Austern. We might be somewhere relaxing and beautiful, but “you’re out of your normal routine. You might be in a different time zone, your circadian rhythms might be off, and that tends to mess with executive functioning. We are pulled in so many directions, especially on a group trip.”While the logical part of the brain might otherwise quiet the amygdala when it comes to minor frustrations, now, “It takes control and tells your body you’re in danger, and we get amped up … even if it’s just that the phone isn’t connecting to the car.” “When we talk about emotions on the anger/frustration continuum, usually cognitively there’s a gap between what we think we want to happen and what is happening,” adds Austern, who brings up the Griswolds arriving at Walley World in “National Lampoon’s Vacation” only to find that the park is closed for renovations. His plans destroyed, Clark, the patriarch of the family, snaps, and things veer completely off the rails, going from vacation daydream to vacation nightmare.Of course, the article notes, we should communicate. But not just about logistics and getting to the airport on time.Tamika Lewis, CEO and founder of WOC Therapy Inc., recently vacationed in Thailand with her 11- and 13-year-old children. “Everyone had to do their own research and have their own idea of what they wanted to experience,” she says. For her, that meant going to temples; for her daughter, there was a plan to visit Terminal 21, a shopping center in Bangkok; for her son, a tuk-tuk ride. “Be really clear about what everyone wants to do and feel. Where people get into trouble is when those conversations don’t happen.”“Assess what other people’s values are and set expectations,” adds Austern, who recently took a trip to the Berkshires in Massachusetts with his wife — the first time they’d gone away together without their twins. “We did not step foot on a trail,” he says. “We just drove to different towns and went antiquing. For us that was great, but we talked about it upfront: Is that OK, are you hoping to climb some mountain? No? Good.”We’re advised that If differences emerge at the planning stage of our trip, we can work on figuring out compromises, decide if there will be parts of the trip where we go off on our own and let others do the same or, if there’s no way to compromise, determine that maybe this isn’t the trip to go on at all.Walley World might, in fact, be closed! Call ahead if you can (especially, says Austern, in COVID times); buy advance tickets to anything that might sell out; check on what the weather might be. And “if you can tell yourself, ‘This vacation does not hinge on one experience going exactly the way I’m hoping it will,’ that will probably manage some possible disappointment that could come later,” he adds.To alleviate stress, Lewis also prearranged airport pickup and booked a few prepackaged experiences, like that tuk-tuk tour. Perhaps the most important plan of all was “preparing workwise, tying up loose ends and giving myself permission to be with my kids and unplug,” she says. “When you are away with the people you love, you want to be able to mentally be there and enjoy the time.” The article further points out that when agitation starts to rise, in addition to using relaxation techniques like deep breathing and meditation, it’s useful to remove ourselves briefly from the situation so we can calm down and regulate. This can be tricky if we’re in a car or small hotel room, recognizes Austern, but we can always say, “Let’s pause this, I need to calm myself down,” or, if our traveling companion notices we’re getting upset, they might intervene with something like, “Do you want to take a breath and we’ll come back?”“When a person withdraws, it’s not because they don’t care, it’s because they’re overwhelmed,” says Gupta, who urges empathy with regard to our partner, whether they take a fighting or freezing stance. “All of these things are built up over time, and then something happens at the airport, one person loses their boarding pass or you’re late.” Suddenly, we jump to our perceptions of “I don’t matter to you” or “I’m trying my best.”In those moments of reaction, we’re told to recognize what we’re doing, step back and take a break. When we and our partner agree you’re both ready, go back and talk about it, openly and with vulnerability.Lewis adds that it’s helpful to take the position of observer rather than critic, especially when annoyances begin cropping up. If we can stay out of the judgment zone, we can avoid unnecessary nitpicking that leads to fights.“You’re not going to prevent your primal panic from exploding, but the reason you have all this is you care about your family,” says Gupta. So we should be kind to ourselves and our loved ones. After all, everybody fights; everybody makes mistakes.The article also cautions that not every fight is going to end with everyone hugging and making up, even if we do step back and try to reconnect afterward. But we still have options. “If you’re feeling a certain way toward certain people, know that you can validate that: I do feel this way, this is true,” says Gupta.Even if the other party isn’t interested in changing, we can be accountable and take care of ourselves. One way to do that is setting boundaries, like limiting vacations with that person. Perfection isn’t possible, and it’s probably not why we’re vacationing together, notes Lewis. So take it off the table, and instead pursue fellowship, curiosity or just spending time together, however that pans out.“Focus on ‘Why am I doing this thing right now?’ rather than ‘How did it go?’” suggests Austern. “What made people decide it was meaningful to go to a lake house with that group? What sort of relationship/leisure values do you want to connect with? It says something about what matters to you; try to remember that.”When in doubt, we’re asked to remember that spending time with people we care about and relishing the authentic, messy glory of the experience is a gift.“It could be that a vacation doesn’t lead to happiness or relaxation at all, but it’s still incredibly meaningful to put yourself in that environment with those people,” says Austern. “The more we can emphasize that, the better.”Courtesy Los Angeles TimesVictoria Craig

Here’s an article about friendship written by a writer who did a series of 100 articles about friends and friendship and what she discovered in her many interviews. Her insights are quite impactful. Please note the article has been condensed but the author’s important points are included. See what you think." 'From the author: “When this project launched, I wrote, ‘People are at their most generous, their funniest, and their most fascinating when talking with and about their friends.’” The interviews that followed only reinforced that belief. I could continue this for the rest of my life and only scratch the surface of the infinite ways friendship shapes our lives, but I’ve done my best to pull out the recurring themes I’ve observed from these 100 conversations. Though every bond evolves in its own way, I have come to believe that there are six forces that help form friendships and maintain them through the years: accumulation, attention, intention, ritual, imagination, and grace. AccumulationThe simplest and most obvious force that forms and sustains friendships is time spent together. One study estimates that it takes spending 40 to 60 hours together within the first six weeks of meeting to turn an acquaintance into a casual friend, and about 80 to 100 hours to become more than that. So friendships unsurprisingly tend to form in places where people spend a lot of their time anyway: work, school, church, extracurricular activities.I spoke with four kids who forged a bond on that sailing trip that felt different from their relationships with any of their other friends. “Being around someone 24 hours a day, you tell them everything,” one of the friends said. “You don’t do [that] when you are home.”AttentionMaking friends can be hard—but there may be more opportunities than we think. Doing these interviews has taught me that connection can come from anywhere, at any time, if both parties are open to it. As one woman, who stayed close with her ex-boyfriend’s mom for more than 30 years, told me: “You have to look for friendship in places you would never expect it.” A new friend could be waiting in the comments section of an article you’re reading, on the other side of a Google Doc, or in an elevator. The person you’re arguing with on Facebook could become a friend, and so could your ex’s new spouse, or even your ex themselves. Paying attention goes a long way when forging these unexpected friendships—noticing when you click with someone, being open to chance encounters. It helps to step out of our habits and into the moment. Because as much as we may feel like our social networks are set and settled, it’s never too late to meet someone who will be important to you for the rest of your life. Intention Attention only gets you so far without action. When opportunity arises, you have to put yourself out there, and that requires courage, vulnerability, and a willingness to let things be awkward.Most friendships require a bit of courtship to get going. And even when they do seemingly fall in our lap—say, you get stuck on a sailboat in the Atlantic with nothing to do but socialize with your fellow sailors—they won’t grow without intention. This is the hardest part of friendship. It takes energy and thought, and our mental and physical resources are often spread thin. In other words, friendships take work. But I have never liked framing our friendships as labor. Showing up for our friends takes effort, yes, but it shouldn’t be drudgery. It should be a joy.RitualOne thing that seems to make keeping up with friends easier is ritual. I personally find that the effort of coordinating hangs (or even phone calls) is the biggest barrier to seeing my friends. It’s much easier when something is baked into my schedule, and all I have to do is show up. For instance, while working from home during the pandemic, I’ve gotten lunch every Friday with my friend who lives around the corner (when it’s been safe to do so).ImaginationSociety has a place for friendships, and it’s on the sidelines. They’re supposed to play a supporting role to work, family, and romance. It takes imagination not to default to this norm, and to design your life so that friendship plays the role you really want it to.I’m inspired by the people I’ve spoken with who imagined something different for themselves: the friends who bought a house together, who went to therapy together, who have raised their children together, who committed to an “arranged friendship,” whose friendship has fueled their fight for justice. Quieter ways of showing your friends love can still be radical. The beauty and the challenge of friendship is its diversity. A friendship can be whatever you want it to. Each one is a canvas whose only limit is our imagination.GraceAll of the forces I’ve mentioned so far—accumulation, attention, intention, ritual, and imagination—are ideals. They’re impossible to fully live up to. Life often gets in the way.I’ve written before about how friendship is flexible, and bends to fit the shape our lives need it to. But during the pandemic, I saw just how elastic it can be, how it can stretch to allow long silences, how it can snap back into place when you least expect. I spent many Saturdays during the pandemic having “PowerPoint parties” on Zoom with friends who live across the country. I saw them more during those months than I had in years. It was unexpected, and special. And it couldn’t have happened if we were angry or resented one another for all those years of limited contact. Many of the people I spoke with—who, in many cases, love each other so much that they nominated themselves to be interviewed about their friendship—told me that they don’t see each other that often, or that they don’t talk as much as they would like. I’ve come to believe that friendship doesn’t always have to be about presence; it can also be about love that can weather absence.I’m not religious, but I do love the concept of grace, of a gift so profound that it could never be earned or deserved. And so when I cite grace here as the final and most important force in friendships, I mean it in two ways. One is the forgiveness that we offer each other when we fall short. The other is the space that creates for connections—and reconnections—that feel nothing short of miraculous." 'I'm not religious either - in the sense that I regularly visit a house of worship - but I do value friendships and the larger concept of grace. Over the years, as I get older and certainly since the pandemic, I've come to realize that, at least for me, my basic existence and daily actions revolve around relationships. The idea of friendship is central to my life.Julie Beck is a senior editor at The Atlantic, where she oversees the Family section, and is the creator of “The Friendship Files.”  Victoria Craig

You read the title correctly. Apparently being calm can actually have the opposite effect. At least for some of us.  An interesting article recently addressed this question. We assume that nobody likes being anxious. If that’s true, the author asks, then why do we sometimes feel so unsettled when life is calm or everything feels settled? This can feel like our hearts are racing when we’re lying in bed or our thoughts start to spiral when watching TV. Or, it might be a tendency to pack our schedules to avoid having downtime. Let me pause and say if this premise isn’t applicable to you, that’s wonderful. But I’m definitely in this category. The article suggests that when we’re used to living with stress, getting a break can actually trigger anxiety. Nadia Addesi, social worker and psychotherapist, addressed this in a TikTok: “If you feel anxious even though things in your life are finally where you want them to be, it can be because you’ve been so used to living in chaos that you don’t trust the feeling of being calm,” she stated.  Quiet can feel suspicious if we aren’t used to it. “Your brain thinks it always needs to be in survival mode,” she added. “It’s waiting for the next bad thing to happen.”  Calm often comes before the storm of anxiety — but why? Therapists share the most common reasons why being calm can make us anxious.  Deeper-level anxieties rise to the surface.  “In quiet times, thoughts and anxieties that are usually tucked away and buffered by the busyness of day-to-day life come to the surface,” said Samantha Gambino, a licensed clinical psychologist based in New York City. “These are generally deeper-level anxieties, maybe about life phases, life transitions or underlying concerns.” Top of Form She explained the break from “everyday tasks, racing thoughts and feelings, and life demands” is what gives your brain space to focus on the deeper anxieties. “When our environment becomes calm, our minds appear louder,” said Mitch Keil, a licensed clinical psychologist in California. “For most of us, our minds are not a place of refuge. They contain voices of concern, criticism, worry, insecurity and fear.”  We are used to thinking of worst-case scenarios.  It’s hard to enjoy the water if we’re worried about a shark. “During calm times, most with anxiety have learned to falsely associate the present ease with a coming storm,” Keil said.  Our anxious mind will tell us that something bad always follows something good, so we can’t rest. “Many individuals predict the worst-case scenario, catastrophize situations, or are waiting for the other shoe to drop,” Gambino added. “So, in good times, they cannot enjoy the experience and be in the present.”  We’re too focused on preserving the good times.  On the other hand, you may become obsessed with staying in the good times. “Those that tend to struggle with anxiety often have a belief that they can capture states of calm and preserve them long-term,” Keil said.  “They forget the transient, impermanent nature of life and emotion.”Accepting that the good times may not last forever, instead of holding on to them as tightly as you can, can extend happy times because they aren’t ruined by anxiety.  Feeling anxious is a habit.  Having anxious thoughts can feel automatic, explained Alisa Kamis-Brinda, owner and psychotherapist at Serenity Solutions, LLC in Philadelphia. “When someone is resting, it is common for their mind to think how it always does, worrying and having anxious thoughts, even if there is nothing in that moment to make them feel anxious,” she said.  According to the article, it doesn’t matter if the anxiety is warranted or not; if our brain is used to doing something, it’ll do it. “People are creatures of habit, which means we become conditioned to our environments, situations, and experiences because they are what we can expect — whether it is safe, makes sense or is helpful,” said Janika Joyner, a therapist and owner of Higher Elevation Psychosocial Services, LLC in Chesapeake, Virginia.  Feeling calm is unfamiliar.  “For people who are used to living with stress, loud noises and chaos, a calm environment can feel uncomfortable and weird,” Kamis-Brinda said.She compares it to a person who lives in a loud city, who can’t sleep on vacation in a quiet countryside “because the quiet is deafening to them.”  Being anxious is part of our identity.  “Some people do not know what to do with themselves when they are not anxious,” Gambino said.  If your identity is connected to “being nervous and unsettled,” Gambino said, then moments of calm can be overwhelming because your “identity is compromised.” “They are unsure of who they are without their anxiety, which ends up causing anxiety,” she said.  We’re experiencing delayed-onset anxiety.  Maybe we went through a demanding project at work or dealt with an unexpected emergency that required a cool head. When it was over, we may experience a delayed-onset anxiety.  “When people are able to remain calm during stressful situations, the anxiety often shows up after the stress has ended,” Kamis-Brinda said.  Our body has adapted to a constant state of anxiety.  Anxiety can cause changes in breathing, elevated heart rate, nausea, racing thoughts and other physical and mental changes, according to Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, a licensed clinical psychologist and media advisor for the Hope for Depression Research Foundation.“If we feel anxious most of the time, our body will go into protective mode and ensure that it adapts to our current state,” Lira de la Rosa said. Because of this, we may not always realize when we’ve been carrying a lot of anxiety. “We adapt to this environment and all of the anxious thoughts, physiological symptoms, and other anxiety symptoms become our new normal,” he said.  Taking a break makes us feel lazy.  Everyone deserves rest, but living in a productivity-obsessed, capitalist society can make us feel guilty for taking a break.  “For anxious people who are used to always doing things, having free time often leads to thoughts that they should be doing something,” Kamis-Brinda said.  “This is particularly common in our society where productivity is looked upon favorably, whereas relaxing, doing something enjoyable (and non-productive), or doing nothing is seen as lazy,” she added.  Perfectionists are particularly susceptible to this. “Perfectionists believe that they should always be productive and overextend themselves with tasks and responsibilities,” Joyner said. “They tend to associate their self-worth and value with their accomplishments.”  We may have relaxation-induced anxiety (RIA).  A 1988 study published in the Journal of Behavior Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry found those with RIA may have a fear of becoming anxious or a fear of losing control brought on when they are relaxed.  “Relaxation-induced panic or anxiety occurs for some when attempting to use relaxation strategies, such as progressive muscle relaxation or deep breathing,” said Brooke Schwartz, a therapist based in Los Angeles.  “In trying to calm their normally anxious bodies and minds, they experience a paradoxical experience of increased anxiety due to a difficulty letting go and a perceived lack of control.”  It could be a trauma response.  Finally, we could also be experiencing a trauma response, according to Schwartz. “If in the past something anxiety- or fear-inducing happened when you were calm or relaxed, feeling calm may be a signal to the body that a threat is coming,” she said.  Or maybe someone made us feel bad for relaxing in the past. “Perhaps someone was rewarded by their parents for keeping busy as a child — the subtle messaging here is that there’s something wrong with being content with what is, which gets internalized and integrated into one’s own thoughts about themselves over time,” she explained.  How To Actually Enjoy The Calm Moments  We’re told that relaxing should be fun — and there are ways to enjoy the good times again.  We can start by taking a break from being productive. “Productivity addiction is a real thing,” Keil said. “We live in competitive, uncertain, success-oriented culture and productivity has become an anxiety-soothing reflex.”  “Find activities and pursuits that you enjoy for the sheer process, with no beneficial outcome,” he continued. “This is vital ingredient in the good life and can help immensely with anxiety. As you find these engagements, let go of the guilt again and again and again. It is a toxic guilt that will steal your ability to fully participate and enjoy the life right in front of you.”  Therapy and mindfulness can also help us manage our symptoms and change our anxiety-increasing behavior, according to Keil.  I think we all know that no amount of extra work will replace the joy of doing something we love and living in the moment. Some of us may just need to make extra efforts in this pursuit. But with a little help, we’re assured, at some point we can fully enjoy resting.Courtesy Sydni EllisVictoria Craig

I can’t be the only one who feels that at this point in the pandemic, it still feels like we’re stuck in a bit of a time warp. Yes, things are opening back up and many people are carrying on with their events and travel plans. But there’s still a layer of uncertainty about what might happen next with COVID and when the pandemic will truly end — especially as more variants pop up. For many of us, life doesn’t exactly feel normal yet, and as a result, time drags by. A recent article discusses this topic and provides the “why” and how we can “gain” some of it back:1. We lost our routines.According to Ruth Ogden, an experimental psychologist at Liverpool John Moores University who studies how humans process time, this sensation that time is warped has been a global phenomenon.  Through her research, she’s found that people across the globe have experienced distorted time during the pandemic. The biggest culprit of the time warp: the loss of our routines. “All the things in our day that helped us know what time it was ― they were gone. That meant it became easy for time to slip and slide around,” Ogden said. During the pandemic, time stood still for many of us. We canceled our activities and we distanced from friends. People did everything — sleep, eat, work, socialize, parent, exercise — from their homes. “We’re all heavily routinized creatures, but this routine is important because it keeps us in time,” Ogden said. Our day-to-day activities help us perceive time — if we are commuting, we know it’s morning, if we’re running out for lunch, it’s midday, and so on and so forth. Without daily routines, which act as markers of time, it becomes easy to get lost in time. The things that made our Saturdays a Saturday, or our Tuesdays a Tuesday, may no longer be there. Research also suggests that emotions significantly impact our perception of time. When we’re happy and physiologically aroused, time feels like it’s flying by; conversely, depression can make time feel sluggish. In addition, our expectations of how things will occur (i.e., the pandemic is over!) versus the reality of how things play out (there’s a new variant coming for us) can make time feel faster or slower, depending on if the actual outcome was better or worse than our predictions.2. Memories help us process time, and our memories are different from the last few years.Just think back to the beginning of the pandemic, when news of COVID spreading around China first leaked. How long ago does that feel to us? Months? Years? It’s probably hard to tell. Ogden and her research team have been studying how people feel about the length of the pandemic and have discovered that the brain processes length of time through memories. “If we’ve got loads of memories, then it says, ‘Oh, it must have been a long time,’ but if it has very few memories, then we think it must have been a short period of time,” Ogden said. In theory, most of us should remember the pandemic as being short — because we didn’t do a lot, Ogden said. But she’s found the opposite: most people feel like we’ve been stuck in the pandemic for much longer than we have been. The reason, it seems, is that while we didn’t necessarily form a ton of fun, new memories for a period of time, we still formed memories. We learned how to bake bread, we got into puzzles and crafts and packed our days with Zoom meetings. We navigated life through restrictions, masking and distancing; we developed new skills and fell into new routines. Time moved forward.3. People process time differently.Just how distorted time feels varies from person to person. It ultimately depends each person’s personal experience with COVID and how much the pandemic has influenced or changed their daily activities, said Nicole Dudukovic, the director of the neuroscience major at the University of Oregon. Ogden’s research, for example, has found that social satisfaction is one of the biggest factors behind how people process time. “The more socially satisfied you were, the ‘quicker’ the pandemic went,” Ogden said, noting that this didn’t just involve being around people, like family in your household, but seeking out and enjoying social connections. People who have engaged in “normal life” again and are traveling and commuting to the office and engaged in activities, are probably going to have a more normal sense of time right now.  People who are at-risk and are hunkering down, along with those who are stressed about returning to pre-pandemic activities, may continue to feel disoriented about time. “For some people, this experience will continue for a long time and that will continue to cause distortion to their experience of time,” Ogden said.4. We’re more aware of time now.Ultimately, the pandemic has made people much more aware of time. We’ve had more time on our hands, which has caused us to become hyper aware of time and how it’s passing, Ogden said. At the same time, we often don’t remember time accurately. It’s very hard for people to remember how we felt about things, like time, in the past — it’s largely influenced by how we feel about things now.  Memories of how time once passed can be very inaccurate, according to Dudukovic. While it may feel like time is passing differently now, it’s totally plausible that we’re just misremembering how time felt pre-pandemic. “It’s possible that if you’d asked me in 2019 about how fast time was going that maybe it would be not that different from how I’m feeling about it now,” Dudukovic said.Here’s how to overcome the time warp.Ogden said it’s important to recognize that we are not going to return to life before the pandemic.  “So much in the world has changed as a result of the pandemic,” she said. We’ve carried on and adapted to new ways of work and socializing. One of the best ways to mitigate the feeling that we’re stuck in a time warp is to create new routines.  “There’s a lot of evidence to suggest that your routine, and also the number of activities that you’re engaged in, that that’s going to influence how you’re perceiving time,” Dudukovic said. We’re advised that changing our environments — stepping out of the house, going on walks, or even switching up the room we work in — can trick our brains into thinking more is happening, so that time passes more regularly. If your days blend together, save certain activities and routines for specific days of the week.“Make your Tuesday a Tuesday because of the things you do in it,” Ogden said. And finally, we’re strongly encouraged try to keep busy. The busier we are, the less we tend to focus on how time is passing. We’re also reminded that if the past two years has felt like a black hole time-wise, we’re not alone and there are ways to help us feel “normal” again.Courtesy Julia Ries       Victoria Craig

Who knew there was such a thing as a “needle list” and that it’s secretly stressing us out. The author of the article about how to get rid of this annoying list first explains what the heck it is:She notes that many people have a running list of smallish tasks that pile up in our heads at all times. Make an appointment, drop something off, etc. Many of these tasks, she says, don’t actually take much time to complete, yet we put them off for weeks or months at a time. And all the while, they take up a significant amount of “real estate” in our brains and may constantly nag at us.The author then references Serena Wolf, a chef and the author of “The Dude Diet,” who dubbed these little to-dos we’re prone to procrastinate on the “needle list”.  ″[They] live rent-free in the back of my mind and just NEEDLE me on a daily basis,” Wolf wrote in a post explaining the concept.  A number of her followers reached out and told her that they, too, had needle lists hanging over their heads, they just never had a name for them. When the author came across the concept, she says it immediately struck a chord with her.  Wolf said she’s had a needle list for her an entire adult life, but she didn’t start referring to it as such until a year or so ago.  “I will put off sending a text or making a phone call for weeks for no particular reason,” she said. “I know the text or call will only take maybe 30 seconds, and yet I just won’t do it. Instead I’ll put it off, and it will bounce around my brain for weeks, gently pricking me. It’s frustrating but a seemingly very common pattern of behavior.”  According to the article, tasks on a needle list are typically personal (i.e., not work-related), nonurgent and mildly inconvenient, and they can usually be completed in under than 30 minutes.  Examples might include mailing thank you notes, responding to a personal email, cleaning the fridge out, putting away all that stuff on the “clothes chair” in our bedroom or getting something small repaired, such as a broken watch or necklace.  The article points out that if we’re the type of person who tackles little tasks as soon as they pop up, kudos to us. But for many of us, designating time each week to tackle items on our needle list could be a good solution.  One of Wolf’s goals for 2022 is to spend 30 to 60 minutes on Fridays doing exactly this. So far, she said it has been an “absolute game changer.”  “Not only do I feel more relaxed on weekends, but it also makes me more productive during the week because I find it easier to focus with less mental clutter,” she wrote on Instagram. “The batching mentality also helps relieve any stress/anxiety when a new needle list item pops up because I can drop it into Friday’s brain basket knowing I will deal with it during the devoted time then.”  Wolf, who has an anxiety disorder, said her “anxious brain” allows her to easily keep track of her needle list in her head, though she’ll sometimes write it down for clarity and the sweet satisfaction of crossing things off.  “The nature of the needle list is that the tasks needle you regularly — so writing them down is really just cathartic and organizational, not a necessity in terms of remembering what they are,” said Wolf, who also co-hosts a podcast about living with anxiety called “Spiraling.”  Wolf said she likes to keep her needle list to five items or fewer at any given time. It’s more manageable that way, and she likes knowing that she can knock off most —and sometimes all — of them during the allotted time on Fridays. Others might prefer to dedicate a few minutes each day to these tasks, rather than a longer chunk of time once a week.  “I can’t stress enough how satisfying it feels to cross things off the needle list, literally or mentally,” she said. “It really does provide a shocking amount of satisfaction and helps you breathe a bit more deeply.”  Talking about the needle list with her online community and her friends has shown Wolf just how many people struggle with the same thing.  “For better or worse, it’s always comforting to know that I’m not alone in procrastinating tasks that are seemingly ‘SO easy’ and that they are able to affect me in the way that they do,” Wolf said.I suppose whatever we choose to call our personal "needle" list, it's good to know others have one too and are struggling to cross things off - and maybe get rid of the list entirely!Courtesy Kelsey Borresen Victoria Craig

I’ve never considered myself a “perfectionist”, at least not in the sense that most people understand when they use that term. I’ve probably described others as “perfectionists” but may have been incorrect in my perceptions.  Whatever the scenario, for me the term generally has a negative connotation. Yet an article sent to me by a friend who says the term is definitely applicable to them, got me to think more about this condition.  The author notes that while the word “perfectionist” is thrown around a lot, it’s a relatable label that makes many of us feel anxious and inadequate. A study published in Psychological Bulletin found rates of people identifying as perfectionists increased between 1989 and 2016. And for women of color, being perfect can seem like the only option.  But did we know, the article asks, that there are actually three types of perfectionists? To understand ourselves and our perfectionism better, we need to figure out which of the three types — self, other or social — we are, as well as how it affects us. The article then goes on to offer some insight from a therapist on each type of perfectionist.Self-Oriented PerfectionismSelf-oriented perfectionism is about expecting the best from ourselves. “Some signs of self-oriented perfectionism are being too hard on yourself, feeling burned out or feeling like you or your accomplishments consistently fall short of your expectations,” said Emily Simonian, a licensed marriage and family therapist and the head of learning at Thriveworks in Washington, D.C., who specializes in self-esteem issues, depression and anxiety. It can feel especially frustrating because even our best doesn’t feel like enough. “This type of perfectionism can lead to high levels of productivity, but often, self-oriented perfectionists tell themselves stories about how their achievements are not good enough and feel overwhelmed or dissatisfied instead of celebrating their successes,” she continued. Natasha Rose Mills, an actor, yoga teacher and mindfulness stress reduction teacher, identifies this way, saying it has its pros and cons. “I have attention to detail and I’m so focused on getting things right; on the downside, it has had implications on focusing too much attention to the failure. … Through my childhood leading into adulthood, I was very self-critical,” she said. How to cope If we were vigorously nodding our heads while reading that here are some helpful tools. First, when everything feels like too much, we should take a step back before our hard work backfires. “If you notice yourself getting overwhelmed, identify one area in your life where you can pull back or ask for help and support from others,” Simonian suggested. “Practicing good self-care and leading a balanced life that includes social and leisure activities will help as well.” Then, practice self-compassion. “Try making statements that separate your behavior from who you are, like, ‘I don’t like that I missed my workout today, but I generally lead a healthy life, so missing a workout here and there is OK,’” Simonian said.Other-Oriented PerfectionismOther-oriented perfectionism is one we may not have heard of but experienced at work or school. It’s when we believe that those around us should be a certain way, and we become upset when people don’t meet our expectations. Simonian added that it’s based on unrealistic assumptions and can lead to conflict. “If you assume or expect someone to always think, behave or do things precisely the way you prefer, you will likely create a judgmental environment where sustaining relationships become difficult to both parties involved due to frustration, dissatisfaction and emotional pain.” Isabel Ludick, the marketing director of Excited Cats, said she has a subtle case of it.  “I’d say I hold others to a certain high standard because I always try to provide a level of professionalism, trustworthiness, empathy, care, etc., toward others. I always expect to get back what I give, and that’s not always the case,” she shared. “It’s not destructive, per se, but I do get called out on it quite often and it does cause issues here and there, mostly in my personal life.” How to cope If we’re an other-oriented perfectionist and it’s impeding our relationships, we’re advised to try to be more understanding. “A great exercise in empathy and understanding is to seriously consider the answer to the question,” Simonian said. She gave this example: If we feel annoyed about our partner never picking up their shoes by the door, some potential reasons are they’re tired after a long day of work, it’s easy to forget, or they’re just not as tidy as we are — which is OK. Then, practice thankfulness and mindfulness. “Make a gratitude list with all the things that are good about someone close to you that you tend to be too hard on,” she recommended.  “Mindfulness helps increase relationship satisfaction by focusing on subtle joys instead of expecting too much from others all the time.”Socially Prescribed PerfectionismDo we obsess over what people think and fear rejection? If so, we might be a socially prescribed perfectionist, or someone who believes others expect us to act or look a certain way. “It’s normal to care what people think about you to an extent, but true perfectionism takes the opinions and approval of others to extremes,” Simonian said. “Signs of socially prescribed perfectionism are based on appearance, like wanting to appear in control, smart, attractive, etc., to others so badly that it affects your self-esteem and sense of self-worth.” In other words, our self-image comes from what others think of us.  “[They] generally believe, ‘I’m only good enough if I think other people perceive me as good enough,’” she added. Nancy Landrum, a relationship coach and the author of “Your Inner Child: a Path to Healing and Freedom,” knows these signs too well. “Growing up in my home, it seemed like the only thing that was important was looking good to others,” she said. “The lesson I took to heart was to be nice, obey, perform well and look pretty.”  When she felt less attractive, she believed she was losing herself. How to cope To avoid getting tangled up in those thoughts, we should work to strengthen our positive inner voice. Simonian encouraged making a list of our strengths, positive features and accomplishments to help us feel proud of ourselves. If that’s too hard, she said, we can also list neutral aspects.We should also realize our worries may not have any basis.  “Do you have any proof that others are judging you or thinking that you aren’t good enough? More often than not, you will find that your perceptions are not based on fact,” she said. So we can note the stories we’re telling ourselves versus what’s objectively true. Simonian gave this example: “‘My boss hasn’t told me that I’m not doing my job well. … As a matter of fact, my boss actually complimented my work last week.’”Remember: You Aren’t Stuck As A Perfectionist ForeverTips like these can help us struggle less over time. “A perfectionist of any type will likely want a ‘big win’ quickly if trying to recover from perfectionism, but baby steps are key. … [Recovery] is very much attainable with practice,” Simonian said. She has her clients focus on one small, specific thing to work on improving by making measurable changes. All the while, she encourages them to enjoy the journey, saying, “Remember to enjoy ‘the hike up the mountain,’ not just the view from the top.” Good advice. Which I’ll try to use as soon as I can stop focusing on and obsessing about how I’m perceived by others! Courtesy Ashley BroadwaterVictoria Craig